Global Warming Rhetoric Escalates

Addressing a conference on global warming in Madrid (currently a balmy 48F, 4 degrees off the mean of 52F), Al Gore noted that "Never before has all of civilization been threatened."

The former Vice President lead the audience through a slide show of the horrors that await mankind if you don't buy a Prius: "Antarctic ice shelves cracking and collapsing into the sea, before-and-after shots of glaciers reduced to lakes and small patches of ice, and forecasts of heavily populated land masses such as Florida shrinking drastically if glacial meltdown reaches a worst-case scenario and floods the seas."

We had a chance to sit down with the Vice President to discuss his assertion:

Pete Puma: "Mr. Former Vice President, you noted that 'Never before has all of civilization been threatened.' Is that accurate?"

Mr. Former Vice President Al Gore: "Yes. Never in the history of mankind..."

PP: "What about the Cold War? Over 10,000 nuclear weapons in 5 countries all pointed at one another. The direct damage, fallout and the ensuing nuclear winter that would result from a nuclear exchange would surely have constituted a threat to all of civilization, wouldn't it?"

MFVPAG: "Well, as you know, those weapons were never actually pointed at us. Prezdent Clinton and I made sure that Russia pointed them out to sea."

PP:"Okay, putting aside your ridiculous argument, what about immediately before Clinton took office, surely Presidents Reagan and Bush the first were not so clever as you and Clinton. Was civilization not threatened then? What about Islamofascists who expressly want to destroy our civilization? What about the rise of Hitler's Third Reich?"

MFVPAG: "I think if you look at the data [emphasis his], you will find that the polar bears are drowning in the Antarctic..."

PP: "Arctic, and fair enough. If you assume everything you say is true, then certainly polar bear civilization is threatened. Is that your concern?"

MFVPAG: "Well, if polar bears lose their civilization, they might swim to Florida and start eating tourists. No one wants that. I have a graphic here that shows Mickey Mouse and Pluto fighting off a ravenous polar bear. As you can see, Minnie is already lost."

PP: "Yes, sir. It's a very nice drawing. I see you stayed inside the lines."

MFVPAG: "I'm so very proud of my art department."

PP: "Yes, the crayons are beautiful. But back to your assertion that global warming is (i) a threat to mankind and (ii) the first ever threat to mankind. Isn't that over selling it a bit?"

MFVPAG: "Imagine the entire world flooded. Isn't that a greater risk than anything known to man?"

PP: "Sure, if it were a real risk. But even your most dire predictions only show a small portion of Florida and other coastal regions under water. Surely civilization could survive a little flooding."

MFVPAG: "Did civilization survive Katrina? Did mankind survive Atlantis? Did civilization survive the flood of Noah?"

PP: "Yes. All three. That's why we're still here. Getting back to Florida..."

MFVPAG: "Wonderful state, except Broward county. You see, if those wonderful people had not been lied to by evil Prezdent Bush, I would be King now and global warming would have been stopped. I would have passed legislation prohibiting the Earth from getting warmer. I would have told the Weather Channel to only record low temperatures, and I would have funded a program to provide air conditioners for every home in the world."

PP: "Wow, that's some plan. Did you say King?"

MFVPAG: "You're clearly a stooge for the oil companies. Good day sir. [Storms out]"

PP: [shouting] "What about the plague, wasn't that a threat? Asteroids? Professional basketball? Sir?"