Al Qaeda Vows Death-Neutral Lifestyle

Ayman al-Zawahiri, senior spokesman for al Qaeda, announced today a new plan for a "death nuetral" al Qaeda. "For many years, al Qaeda has made killing the infidel our business. Today, we realize that the cost of this business has been untold human lives and may have even lead to global warming."

Mr. al-Zawahiri, speaking at a press club luncheon, announced a multi-stage plan to offset what he called al Qaeda's "death footprint." First, he said "[al Qaeda] will only kill the infidel in ways that minimize or reduce our impact on global warming." Mr. al-Zawahiri intimated that al Qaeda was even working on obtaining a device that would reverse global warming entirely. This device would counteract carbon emissions by providing a cooling, shade-like blanket over the Earth. "Notwithstanding the initial heat from the activation of the device, this device will provide many degrees of cooling almost instantly, all over the planet."

"Second, and perhaps more importantly, we will be developing a program of 'death offsets.'" Mr. al-Zawahiri explained that al Qaeda intended to encourage its supporters to more frequently copulate with their multiple wives and produce more children. "Not only will this have the obvious morale benefits," noted Mr. al-Zawahiri, "it will make al Qaeda a truly death neutral organization." "It will also allow us to replace infidels with true believers," he noted.