Pete Puma's Blog

Farewell Pete Puma, Hello Daily Danet

2007-03-20T11:12:00.000-04:00

This blog has moved and will no longer be updated. Please see www.dailydanet.com for your political satire needs.

Democratic Leader Approves Voter Free Choice Forever Stamp

2007-03-15T16:29:00.000-04:00

John Sweeny, head of the Democratic party, enacted by fiat today the Voter Free Choice Forever Stamp. This comes after Democratic victories in the form of the Employee Free Choice Act and the Forever Stamp from the US Postal Service (also known as the "Endorsement of Competitive Pricing Act")

Under the new legislation, current representatives from the political party that controls Congress (referred to as "vote facilitators"), would approach voters in each Congressional district and ask these voters to sign "proxy cards." The proxy cards allow voters to choose either the incumbent party or the minority party. When a majority of voters in each district signed proxy cards, the party with the most votes will be declared the winner.

In keeping with the promise of the Forever Stamp legislation, the process will only be done once. "We don't feel there is a need to burden voters with these periodic elections," noted el Presidente Sweeny. In response to allegations that the legislation is designed to entrench his subordinates, Mr. Sweeny noted that vote facilitators would be available after the press conference to address any criticisms.

In order to facilitate increased voter turnout, the legislation authorized vote facilitators to approach voters in their homes, at work and in ill lit alleys at night. To further prevent voter intimidation by other groups, vote facilitators will be authorized to carry large bats, iron pipes, and in certain neighborhoods, guns.

Hillary Warns of Bush Administration Misdeeds

2007-03-14T10:44:00.000-04:00

Senator Hillary Clinton chastened the Bush Administration today for its mounting misdeeds. The junior Senator from New York (D-Ill., Ark., N.Y., USSR) noted that the politically motivated firing of U.S. District Attorneys is inexcusable. She warned that other politically motivated firings of government employees would not be tolerated.

Senator Clinton also raised issues with the president's ill-advised use of the military, which lead to tragedy. She also noted the Bush administration's misuse of the FBI and the peddling of influence to foreign nations to the detriment of national security. Clinton also warned the administration not to take advantage of its executive authority to issue pardons for its lackeys. Senator Clinton railed against President Bush, claiming that his past actions and his current positions revealed him to be that lowest form of life, a hypocrite.

Schadenfruede, Arctic Style

2007-03-13T12:02:00.000-04:00

Sorry, I can't help but laugh. This is too funny. Global Warming® expedition called off due to extreme cold.

Fringe Begins to Distance Itself From Gore

2007-03-13T09:42:00.000-04:00

I guess you pay more than $30,000 per year when you own a 200,000 kWh mansion. The NY Times, bastion of liberalism, ran an article today saying Gore may be exaggerating the risks of Global Warming®. Say it Ain't So!

The article, of course, treats the issue with kid gloves. But it is a turning point. To put far too fine a point on it, it is Paris's first arrow into the heel of Achilles. The beast is wounded and it is not long before he is dead and buried.

Imagine Pravda saying Stalin is a bit too old fashioned. Imagine the Tehran Tribune calling Ahmaninejad a little too anti-Semitic. This signals the death of Al Gore as the spokesperson for the Global Warming® fringe. Once again, Al Gore has picked the wrong horse in the wrong race.

Vying to be the New JFK

2007-03-11T13:38:00.000-04:00

Hillary Clinton and Barrack Obama, in addition to seeking the Democratic presidential nomination, are also both vying for another top spot in the hearts of Democrats: the new JFK®. Senator Obama (D-Ill.) came out with an early lead for the coveted post with an endorsement, albeit a morbid one, from Democratic operative Tim Russert.

Senator Clinton (D-NY, Ill., Ark., Ca., Mass., etc.) has gained ground over the past several days, however. In addition to drawing comparisons to the late Catholic President, Clinton, through her campaign staff, has also announced a new policy initiative that would replicate the heady days of JFK.

"First, within the first 4 months of a Hillary presidency, we will suffer an embarrassing military and intelligence defeat that could have easily been avoided," promised the press release. The press release continues, "[t]his will embolden our enemies and lead to several years of brinkswomanship, culminating in near catastrophe." Hillary also promised to set the stage for a true politically induced military quagmire.

A well placed source notes that the Clintons also intend to get Tony Rodham elected to an Arkansas Senate seat to play the role of moronic younger brother.

Bill Clinton, Senator Clinton's husband and the presumptive First Lady Killer, has even announced plans for a Fall rally in Dallas. "Giggity, giggity," noted the former president.

One of the Coldest Februaries on Record

2007-03-08T12:01:00.000-05:00

According to the National Oceanographic and Atmospheric Association, the agency charged with knowing such things, February 2007 in the U.S. was one of the coldest Februaries on record:

The average temperature in February 2007 was 32.9 F. This was -1.8 F cooler than the 1901-2000 (20th century) average, the 34th coolest February in 113 years. The temperature trend for the period of record (1895 to present) is 0.3 degrees Fahrenheit per decade.

Put another way, February 2007 was in the lowest 30th percentile when it comes to "warming." Or, in yet another way, the actual data for 2007 breaks away from the "warming" trend by a factor of 6 times, only in the opposite direction.

January was slightly warmer than normal in the US:

The average January temperature for the contiguous U.S. was 31.8°F (-0.1°C), or 0.9°F (0.5°C) above the 20th century average of 30.9°F based on preliminary data. In the central and eastern U.S., the pattern of spring-like temperatures that began late December, continued during the first two weeks of the year. For the month, 29 states were warmer than average east of the Mississippi River and in the northern High Plains. Alaska also was warmer than average at 0.9°F above the 1971-2000 mean.

So, on average, we are 0.9°F COLDER than normal (1.8 colder in Feb and .9 warmer in January is a cumulative difference of .9 in the colder direction).

What does all this mean? Not much. Just your normal seasonal variability. But I guarantee Al Gore won't be trumpeting it from his 200,000 kWh mansion.

More on Global Warming

2007-03-06T09:32:00.000-05:00

With the horrors never end? It's, just to much to bear! Global Warming® has now cost us Bulgarian prostitutes! Oh, the horror.

In other news, coldest February in 28 years. I was 4 years old and Carter was President, in name at least, when it was this cold in Toronto. There were oil shortages, terrorism was on the rise and people were worried about global cooling. How things have changed.

Al Qaeda Vows Death-Neutral Lifestyle

2007-03-01T10:50:00.000-05:00

Ayman al-Zawahiri, senior spokesman for al Qaeda, announced today a new plan for a "death nuetral" al Qaeda. "For many years, al Qaeda has made killing the infidel our business. Today, we realize that the cost of this business has been untold human lives and may have even lead to global warming."

Mr. al-Zawahiri, speaking at a press club luncheon, announced a multi-stage plan to offset what he called al Qaeda's "death footprint." First, he said "[al Qaeda] will only kill the infidel in ways that minimize or reduce our impact on global warming." Mr. al-Zawahiri intimated that al Qaeda was even working on obtaining a device that would reverse global warming entirely. This device would counteract carbon emissions by providing a cooling, shade-like blanket over the Earth. "Notwithstanding the initial heat from the activation of the device, this device will provide many degrees of cooling almost instantly, all over the planet."

"Second, and perhaps more importantly, we will be developing a program of 'death offsets.'" Mr. al-Zawahiri explained that al Qaeda intended to encourage its supporters to more frequently copulate with their multiple wives and produce more children. "Not only will this have the obvious morale benefits," noted Mr. al-Zawahiri, "it will make al Qaeda a truly death neutral organization." "It will also allow us to replace infidels with true believers," he noted.

Speaking of Hot Air

2007-03-01T10:02:00.000-05:00

Al Gore's response is all too telling. Charged with using 20X the fossil fuel of a normal home, his response Tuesday was "sure, but I give money to green causes." Oh, okay then. That's tantamount to a serial killer saying, "yeah, but I have lots of unprotected sex with fertile women."

(Note that the article chooses to label the think tank as "conservative.")

The more telling aspect of this is that Gore knows that this is enough to placate the mainstream media and avoid being called a hypocrite (at least on air) by the pretty people behind the newsdesks.

Searches on CNN and the NY Times resulted in, you guess it, zero results. Maybe Hillary can label David Geffen a conservative and announce she gives to charities that promote honesty.

MSNBC did do a nice hit job on behalf of Gore against the Tennessee Center for Policy Research. Then there's the companion blog piece: "sure he's a hypocrite, but he's still right!" And conveniently swept under the rug is MSNBC's own piece on how bogus carbon offsets are. They may soothe your guilt, but they still don't do squat to lower the temperature.

The editors of the Wall Street Journal, however, have picked up the story and rightfully call Mr. Gore's spade a coal shovel. Kudos. At least I can read my subscription with a clean conscience.

Almost Too Good to be True

2007-02-26T19:31:00.000-05:00

Talk about your inconvenient truths. 20X the energy usage of a normal home. Even I would be ashamed of that on grounds of gluttony alone.

(Hat tip Drudge: POWER: GORE MANSION USES 20X AVERAGE HOUSEHOLD; CONSUMPTION INCREASE AFTER 'TRUTH')

The Tennessee Center for Policy Research, issued the following press release late today:

Last night, Al Gore’s global-warming documentary, An Inconvenient Truth, collected an Oscar for best documentary feature, but the Tennessee Center for Policy Research has found that Gore deserves a gold statue for hypocrisy. Gore’s mansion, [20-room, eight-bathroom] located in the posh Belle Meade area of Nashville, consumes more electricity every month than the average American household uses in an entire year, according to the Nashville Electric Service (NES).
In his documentary, the former Vice President calls on Americans to conserve energy by reducing electricity consumption at home.
The average household in America consumes 10,656 kilowatt-hours (kWh) per year, ccording to the Department of Energy. In 2006, Gore devoured nearly 221,000 kWh—more than 20 times the national average. Last August alone, Gore burned through 22,619 kWh—guzzling more than twice the electricity in one month than an average American family uses in an entire year. As a result of his energy consumption, Gore’s average monthly electric bill topped $1,359.
Since the release of An Inconvenient Truth, Gore’s energy consumption has increased from an average of 16,200 kWh per month in 2005, to 18,400 kWh per month in 2006. Gore’s extravagant energy use does not stop at his electric bill. Natural gas bills for Gore’s mansion and guest house averaged $1,080 per month last year. “As the spokesman of choice for the global warming movement, Al Gore has to be willing to walk to walk, not just talk the talk, when it comes to home energy use,” said Tennessee Center for Policy Research President Drew Johnson.
In total, Gore paid nearly $30,000 in combined electricity and natural gas bills for his Nashville estate in 2006.

The median household income in Tennesee in 2005 was $38,874. That means that, after taxes and deductions, Al Gore pays more for electricity and gas than most "Volunteers" take home in pay.

Ain't That a Piece of Work

2007-02-15T19:23:00.000-05:00

NO RISE IN ANTARCTIC TEMPERATURE OR PRECIPITATION.

ACTUAL DATA IS INCONSISTENT WITH ALL CLIMATE MODELS.

REPEAT: CLIMATE MODELS ARE WRONG.

PLEASE DISPERSE AND GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.

Why Does Al Gore Own a Parka?

2007-02-14T08:43:00.000-05:00

Have you ever wondered that? He travels the world (in a private jet) telling people how carbon emissions are causing the planet to warm. If he has the courage of his convictions, he should donate his cold weather clothes to charity. Or better yet, have a mass burning like Gloria Steinem did for feminism. Although, that may add to your emissions quota, at least it will be less than taking that jet around. Plus, it'll have the added benefit of keeping you warm. I can see it now: "ParkaStock 2007 - Baby, It Ain't Cold Outside!" Because otherwise, you're just a crazy person screaming about the end of the world, but still contributing the max to your 401(k).

In other news, eggs just keep flying in the face of Democrats. First, their "100 Hours" of "hard work" was interupted by a football game. Then their populist leader demanded a private jet for her entourage, at tax payer expense. Now, their "why is the Earth warming" hearing is cancelled because of a snow storm. Not just any snow storm, but a deadly one that has already wreaked havoc through the Midwest (note the record snowfall yesterday in Chicago).

Reprinted from Drudge:

HOUSE HEARING ON 'WARMING OF THE PLANET' CANCELED AFTER ICE STORM
HEARING NOTICE Tue Feb 13 2007 19:31:25 ET
The Subcommittee on Energy and Air Quality hearing scheduled for Wednesday, February 14, 2007, at 10:00 a.m. in room 2123 Rayburn House Office Building has been postponed due to inclement weather. The hearing is entitled “Climate Change: Are Greenhouse Gas Emissions from Human Activities Contributing to a Warming of the Planet?” The hearing will be rescheduled to a date and time to be announced later.
DC WEATHER REPORT:Wednesday: Freezing rain in the morning. Total ice accumulation between one half to three quarters of an inch. Brisk with highs in the mid 30s. North winds 10 to 15 mph...increasing to northwest 20 to 25 mph in the afternoon. Chance of precipitation near 100 percent.Wednesday Night: Partly cloudy. Lows around 18. Northwest winds around 20 mph.

Drudge is also reporting that Maryville University in St. Louis area cancelling a screening of Al Gore's 'Inconvenient Truth' because of the snowstorm.

Belated kudos to the President of the Czech Republic. Nothing like a biased interviewer getting his head handed to him. Can't wait for the book. May I humbly suggest a title: "Czechs and Balances"

Open Letter to Goodman

2007-02-11T11:04:00.001-05:00

I sent the letter below to Ellen Goodman at the Boston Globe, in response to her horrible editorial.

---------------------------------

I read your editorial on the recent UN report on global warming. I have to admit, I am very surprised and disappointed. Most people tend to reserve a special place in hell for Holocaust deniers. These are people who would deny the millions that died at the hands of Hitler their rightful place in history: a warning against fascism and anti-Semitism. You, on the other hand, choose to off-handedly refer to the Holocaust in order to make some trivial point about something you know nothing about.

Tell me, other than what Al Gore and the United Nations tell you about global climate change, do you know anything else? Have you ever taken a course in thermodynamics, meteorology or advanced computational methods? Have you read any legitimate texts on fluid dynamics, differential equations and complex models? You see, these are the topics you would have to know in order to understand the physics of climate change. Fortunately (for me), I have taken these courses and received a graduate degree in Atmospheric Physics, so I know what the variables are, what the assumptions are and what the weaknesses are. You clearly do not.

You point to the United Nations and claim that "scientists" are 90% certain that global warming is due to mankind. Did they poll every scientist? What type of scientists were asked? Just climatologists, or did they asks biologists and phlebotomists as well? What question did they ask? The truth is, the "scientists" to which you refer are government employees whose mandate is to prove that global warming exists. I can tell you that when you have a funded mandate to prove something, you rarely disprove it. Can you imagine a UN scientist expressing doubt that the large, wealthy, income (sorry, I meant carbon) producing countries are not at fault for anything that can be fixed by increasing the UN's budget? This is why science is meant to be conducted outside the public view, without interference from a group of people who can't even agree that what is happening in Darfur is genocide. If you want to find the new Holocaust deniers, your first stop should be UN Plaza.

You attack the American Enterprise Institute for offering money to scientists willing to refute the UN report. You imply that there is something wrong with paying a scientist for his or her time and opinion. Does Al Gore stump for free? Do UN scientists collect unemployment? I guarantee you that, if these global warming alarmists suddenly found themselves to be global warming skeptics, they would quickly find themselves to also be unemployed. If you don't believe me, ask George Taylor in Oregon, David Legates in Delaware or Patrick Michaels in Virginia. Each of those men have been threatened by the government for their opinions. Don't expect the media to come to their rescue though, censorship isn't as easy to vilify when you agree with the censor.

Nonetheless, there is a large and increasingly vocal group of people that are questioning the dire predictions of these politically motivated "reports." These people have two things in common, (i) they are well-trained climatologists, not politicians and (ii) they are constantly smeared by the likes of you. I will admit, bringing up the specter of the Holocaust puts you in a special place as a particularly libelous wretch.

Because I realize you may be having difficulty understanding where I'm coming from, I will use your tactic to explain. "Let's just say that global warming [alarmists] are now on a par with [Hitler, Stalin, Pol Pot, Castro and all of their socialist heroes that quash dissent in the name of their misguided ideologies]." You know nothing about the science involved or the legitimate questions raised. Have you heard of bovine methane? Probably not. Do you know how much CO2 is produced by the world's population of termites or rice patties? I didn't think so. Do you know that just 30 years ago, "scientists" had agreed we were headed for an ice age and raised the same alarm bells you are raising now? Do you know that the ice shelves have been melting for 10,000 years--as they have following every ice age? These are all inconvenient truths for alarmists like you.

As for your new light bulb and your Prius, congratulations, you've been duped. Your liberal guilt has leveraged itself into uninformed consumerism, an irony, I'm sure, that passes by you unnoticed. If you have the courage of your convictions, I suggest you take all of your parkas, gloves, scarves and hats and give them to charity. If you're right, you won't need them out there. Of course, you'll have to pretend that the entire East Coast is not in the middle of the coldest February in 30 years.

Global Warming Rhetoric Escalates

2007-02-08T09:44:00.000-05:00

Addressing a conference on global warming in Madrid (currently a balmy 48F, 4 degrees off the mean of 52F), Al Gore noted that "Never before has all of civilization been threatened."

The former Vice President lead the audience through a slide show of the horrors that await mankind if you don't buy a Prius: "Antarctic ice shelves cracking and collapsing into the sea, before-and-after shots of glaciers reduced to lakes and small patches of ice, and forecasts of heavily populated land masses such as Florida shrinking drastically if glacial meltdown reaches a worst-case scenario and floods the seas."

We had a chance to sit down with the Vice President to discuss his assertion:

Pete Puma: "Mr. Former Vice President, you noted that 'Never before has all of civilization been threatened.' Is that accurate?"

Mr. Former Vice President Al Gore: "Yes. Never in the history of mankind..."

PP: "What about the Cold War? Over 10,000 nuclear weapons in 5 countries all pointed at one another. The direct damage, fallout and the ensuing nuclear winter that would result from a nuclear exchange would surely have constituted a threat to all of civilization, wouldn't it?"

MFVPAG: "Well, as you know, those weapons were never actually pointed at us. Prezdent Clinton and I made sure that Russia pointed them out to sea."

PP:"Okay, putting aside your ridiculous argument, what about immediately before Clinton took office, surely Presidents Reagan and Bush the first were not so clever as you and Clinton. Was civilization not threatened then? What about Islamofascists who expressly want to destroy our civilization? What about the rise of Hitler's Third Reich?"

MFVPAG: "I think if you look at the data [emphasis his], you will find that the polar bears are drowning in the Antarctic..."

PP: "Arctic, and fair enough. If you assume everything you say is true, then certainly polar bear civilization is threatened. Is that your concern?"

MFVPAG: "Well, if polar bears lose their civilization, they might swim to Florida and start eating tourists. No one wants that. I have a graphic here that shows Mickey Mouse and Pluto fighting off a ravenous polar bear. As you can see, Minnie is already lost."

PP: "Yes, sir. It's a very nice drawing. I see you stayed inside the lines."

MFVPAG: "I'm so very proud of my art department."

PP: "Yes, the crayons are beautiful. But back to your assertion that global warming is (i) a threat to mankind and (ii) the first ever threat to mankind. Isn't that over selling it a bit?"

MFVPAG: "Imagine the entire world flooded. Isn't that a greater risk than anything known to man?"

PP: "Sure, if it were a real risk. But even your most dire predictions only show a small portion of Florida and other coastal regions under water. Surely civilization could survive a little flooding."

MFVPAG: "Did civilization survive Katrina? Did mankind survive Atlantis? Did civilization survive the flood of Noah?"

PP: "Yes. All three. That's why we're still here. Getting back to Florida..."

MFVPAG: "Wonderful state, except Broward county. You see, if those wonderful people had not been lied to by evil Prezdent Bush, I would be King now and global warming would have been stopped. I would have passed legislation prohibiting the Earth from getting warmer. I would have told the Weather Channel to only record low temperatures, and I would have funded a program to provide air conditioners for every home in the world."

PP: "Wow, that's some plan. Did you say King?"

MFVPAG: "You're clearly a stooge for the oil companies. Good day sir. [Storms out]"

PP: [shouting] "What about the plague, wasn't that a threat? Asteroids? Professional basketball? Sir?"

Massachusetts to Fire Commonwealth Alchemist

2007-02-07T06:42:00.000-05:00

Salem, 1697.

The esteemed Governor of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, Lord Theodore Kulongoski has declared his intention to dismiss the Commonwealth's Chief Alchemist.

In the face of evidence agreed upon by hundreds of witchcraft experts, Dr. George Taylor holds firm. He does not believe witches exist. Taylor also holds a unique title: Commonwealth's Chief Alchemist.

Hundreds of witchcraft experts last Friday issued the strongest warning yet on global witchery, saying witches are "very likely" the cause of all wickedness. It is an incontrovertible Truth that wickedness has been on the rise since 1690.

“Most of the ungodliness we have seen up until now has been a result of natural variations in human nature,” Taylor wrongfully asserts.

His opinions conflict not only with many other experts, but with the Commonwealth's anti-witch policies. So the Governor wants to take that title from Taylor and make it a position that he would appoint.

In an exclusive interview with MSM, Governor Theodore Kulongoski confirmed he wants to take that title from Taylor. The governor said Taylor's contradictions interfere with the state's stated goals of hanging, burning, impaling and otherwise killing witches--the accepted remedy of global wickedness proliferation in the eyes of a vast majority of witchcraft experts.

"He is in the way of our sated goals, so damn his integrity and let him burn in Hades," noted the Governor. The Governor is also considering burning Dr. Taylor at the stake for his crime of independent thought. "Science is what the majority of scientists say it is, not this search for universal truth Dr. Taylor claims it to be."

Warm Enough For You?

2007-02-06T11:02:00.001-05:00

There is a great column by Canadian climotologist Timothy Ball in yesterday's Canadian Free Press. On a day when record lows are being set across the globe and polar bears could find comfort in Hawaii, this is certainly a timely piece.

I feel for Dr. Ball, I really do. Scientific research, when done right, is a thankless, tedious job. As the price of his hubris, Sisyphus was made to push a rock up a hill for an eternity. At least he didn't have Al Gore and every other do-gooder idiot pushing it down the hill, screaming "gravity is man made!"

More Crackpots Join My Cause

2007-02-01T20:02:00.000-05:00

Two very interesting articles today about global warming. There are about 1500 uninteresting articles about the UN's "decision" that global warming (i) is happening and (ii) is caused by man. Suffice it to say they have also implicitly resolved that the people dying in Darfur are dying of natural causes. It's much easier to throw money at problems that predict global change in 100 years than millions of deaths in several months.

Anyway, the first article is about a Penn State Professor calling out Al Gore as the incompetent idiot he is. Bravo!

The second, even more interesting piece, is about Delaware's State Climatologist (I know, just what every state needs), who has signed an amicus brief challenging the "science" of global warming. Kudos, Dr. Legates. Note the following in this piece:

Of those who dispute Dr. Legate's opinion, I count 3 people: Ali Mirzakhalili a bureaucrat whose job depends on there being a public risk; Philip Cherry, another state administrator with skin in the game; and Chad Tolman, a former DuPont research scientist whose sole accreditation is that he worked for the National Academy of Sciences. According to the only bio I could find, Dr. Tolman's work at NAS involved environmental (not climatological) and toxicology studies. So essentially, we're expected to believe that two bureaucrats and an environmentalist know more about climate than the smartest professional climatologist in the entire state, who, incidentally gets paid nothing by the state, whether global warming is true or not.

Philip Cherry, apparently condescendingly, notes that Dr. Legates "doesn't speak for the state's position," but that the governor does. Of course! Legally that's correct, Dr. Legates has no official role, his title is apparently an honorary one. But notice the slight of hand here. What you're saying Mr. Cherry, is that a politician knows more than a professional scientist. Maybe we should start killing all the intellectuals, would that make your job easier?

Cause for Optimism

2007-01-31T14:18:00.000-05:00

I was reading this AP article about the President's visit to New York today and the phrase "cause for optimism" lept out at me. The article follows the MSM pattern of begrudgingly acknowledging that the economy is improving. This, of course is the standard operating procedure with a Republican in the White House. Your results would vary if a Democrat took residence there; irrational exuberance unchecked by media cynicism would likely result.

In any case, I began to think why it is that that phrase, which I hear all too often in financial reports, is so odd to me. I realize it's because, more than being a Republican, a Conservative, a New York lawyer, a Capitalist or even an Objectivist, I am a Reaganite.

Being a Reaganite means many things to many people. To me, it is the unyielding pride I have for Americans everywhere, but especially while under arms in foreign lands. It is my love of country and my faith in my fellow man. It is my deeply rooted belief that the invisible hand of free market competition is the most powerful economic force in the history of man. I believe this to my core, more clearly than I know my own name.

I know that, so long as the government gets the hell out of my way, I, along with every other capitalist, can not only raise a tide to lift all ships, but flood the cities with gold.

Being a Reaganite means believing that no economic obstacle can prevail against the will of a true Capitalist. I have plenty of cause for optimism everyday. One of them is named Ronald and he rode a horse.

Alternative Strategies in Georgetown

2007-01-31T14:06:00.000-05:00

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (D-Ca.) came under fire today for her handling of the escalating hostilities in her Georgetown apartment. High ranking officials inside the Pentagon have advised Mrs. Pelosi to increase her troop presence there to more effectively combat the surging violence there.

Mrs. Pelosi, however, has refused to follow this advice and has instead decided to "stay the course." House Republicans have bristled at her stubborn insistence on failed policies. "We need an immediate withdrawal of all Pelosis in the region and have them redeployed to California, safely out of harms way," noted one Congresswoman, speaking on condition of anonymity.

Mrs. Pelosi's office responded, "The Speaker is the decider when it comes to matters of apartmental security."

Sen. Biden Misquotes Himself Again

2007-01-31T13:18:00.000-05:00

Senator Joseph Biden (D.-Del) responded today to allegations that he is a bigoted narcissistic asshole. "I'm not, I just don't know my ass from a hole in the ground. Which is where my father used to work, in the coal mines of Pennsylvania. Wait, no that was someone else's father."

Senator Biden has now confirmed that Neil Kinnock, a former MP from the British Labour Party, originally uttered the racially derogatory and politically damaging words he repeated in a one-on-one interview over lunch with Jason Horowitz of the New York Observer. "I'm not a racist, I just don't think most black people are articulate or clean. It's Neil Kinnock that's a racist," said Senator Biden.

"The important thing to remember here," noted Democratic operative and ABC News contributor, George StephanopoulosGeorge Stephanopoulos, "is that Republicans are the racists." He continued, "I mean it's obvious Biden expected this guy to paraphrase him, not take him word for word. We've got to watch each other's backs. Are you writing that down?"

Senator Barrack Obama (D-Ill.), the subject of Biden's unprepared remarks, noted in his best-selling book, "The Audacity of Hope" that "the arguments of liberals are more often grounded in reason and fact.” Senator Obama's office did not immediately return calls seeking to confirm whether this statements include the arguments made by Senator Biden.

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I wasn't as politically savvy in 1988, I'll admit, so this Kinnock thing was relatively new to me. How can someone who (i) didn't know he was lying when he said he father was a coal miner and (ii) lost to Dukakis think he has any hope of ever becoming President? It also speaks volumes of the collective IQ of Delaware that this doofus is still in the Senate.

How About That Global Warming?

2007-01-26T10:57:00.000-05:00

Bitterly cold in New York today. Low of 9 degrees this morning. That's not windchill, it's the ambient air temp. With wind chill it's well below 0 degrees Fahrenheit. Today's high will be just under 20 degrees, that's about 18 degrees off the mean of 38. (Check wunderground for almanac statistics, it really is a better source).

Not three weeks ago people were screaming about global warming as a "heat wave" of 60 degree temperatures hit the city. The warmest day, was January 6, when the high was 72 degrees, setting a record and surpassing a temperature of 63, set half a century earlier. The following day was in the 60's again, but failed to set a record. The record high for that day was set in 1907-exactly a century earlier. You'll note that today's record high temp of 72 degrees (matching the record set three weeks ago) was set almost 60 years ago.

Yesterday I saw a woman complaining about the price of an orange. Apparently the free market price of an orange is now $2.00 in New York. Why? Whole crops were lost when California did its impression of North Dakota last week.

So what does this all mean? Does it prove or disprove global warming? NO. It's weather! Weather fluctuates, it's fickle. There are all sorts of cyclical variations superimposed on each other. The average temperature of the Earth may be cooling or it may be warming, but the temperature you see on a daily basis does not, cannot and will not tell you anything about global climate.

Anyone who tells you differently believes that the plural of anecdote is data. It isn't.

The next time you hear someone talking about weather and linking it to global warming, remind yourself of a "psychic" and his cold reading techniques. They throw out 100 shots, but you only remember the one that hits. "I'm thinking of a man, his name has an R or a J..." Don't be a sucker.

I'm going Wunderground

2007-01-19T14:11:00.000-05:00

Unlike the terrorist group with the similar name, Wunderground, or the Weather Underground, does not have any political aims. Nor does it, like it's flashy, mainstream competitor, have any desire to censor your thoughts. Nope, all it does, and it does this very well, is provide information on the weather

It is not burdened by liberal guilt, a need to be relevant or delusions of self importance. It knows its place in the world: giving you the weather. If you're inclined to check the weather, from now on, go there.

If you sign up for a $10 membership, not only will you get added benefits with no ads, you will also be embracing the entreprenuerial spirit that makes this country great. They may not have a 24-hour cable channel with which to hawk crappy tires and golf carts in car clothing, but they've got the weather, and that's enough.

Plus, they'll probably never threaten your job if you disagree with them.

Censorship is the coal miner's canary of fascism. When you hear people advocating the censorship of others with whom they disagree, you should be forewarned: (i) their senses have surrendered to some base defect in their psyche; (ii) God himself could not convince them how wrong they are; and (iii) they are fanatics about their cause and it won't be long before they come for you.

Global warming is fiction, much like an Oliver Stone film. Man-made global warming is Keanu Reeves playing a nuclear physicist.

Pete Puma Returns: The Quest for Piece

2007-01-16T13:51:00.000-05:00

My apologies for the delay in posting. In late October, my appendix burst. Fortunately, my table of contents is still intact, but the treatment was complicated and, at times, even controversial.

When the problem first arose, I was vomitting uncontrollably and shaking and shivering. My entire body was near collapse. My wife and I (she's British, so I can always count on her in a crisis), went to the hospital. Nobody likes going to the hospital, but that's where you go when your sick.

The doctors told me that my appendix, which apparently contained a lot of nasty crap, had burst and they would have to remove it. Only two weeks earlier, I was in the hospital to have a mass removed. The doctors feared it might be malignant, but luckily we caught it in time. But I was worried about recovering from two surgeries so close to each other. Nonetheless, I went ahead and did the right thing.

After the appendix surgery, all manner of vile fluids started collecting in my abdomen. Because I was in the hospital, they were able to manage it so that only my abdomin was affected. The rest of me was okay, no vomitting, no fever or cold sweats.

The vile fluids had always been there, though more had joined from other parts of me, but the appendix rupturing had released them and they now had free reign over the region. One doctor, my lead physician, first suggested an aggressive, triple-threat regimen, with intravenous antibiotics, a steady diet of vitamins and minerals and plenty of fresh air.

Another doctor, who had hoped I would choose him as my lead physician, said that we should just leave things as they are, and let nature take its course. This second doctor also wanted me to focus on the prior problem and try to find the individual cell that had caused it. Of course, that problem had been neutralized. It was the bile and waste running free that was my immediate concern.

The problem was, the antiboitics were not strong enough. My lead physician acknowledged that he was using less than the historically recommended dosage, but had he used more, my health might be put at risk and the medicines had been transformed in recent years. We decided to keep trying with the lower dosage.

Well, it became obvious that I needed stronger medicine. My lead physician consulted with the second doctor who originally said we needed more antibiotics. Now that doctor said we should stop treating me all together and that adding more will just waste the antibiotics. Then he said I never should have come to the hospital in the first place, though I'm not sure how I could've avoided it--my appendix having burst on me. Finally, he called the antibiotics "stupid."

Well, to make a long story short, I decided to stick with the first doctor, even if he is a bit unethical at times, and sometimes he forgets why he went to medical school in the first place. In the end, it was a long road, but I made it home okay. The nice thing about having your appendix burst on you is that, if you fix it right, you don't have to worry about it ever again.

Al Leggory assisted in the draft of this post.

In all seriousness, I owe my life to the folks at Greenwhich Hospital. Thank you.

Absentee Blogging

2006-11-14T07:59:00.000-05:00

The rumors of my demise have been greatly exaggerated. I have been out of commission for the past month as my appendix burst just before Halloween.

Oh the political commentary that could have been. There was Furor Pelosi's complaints that the Pentagon had published classified documents about Iraq on its website. Everyone knows such "illegal" disclosures must be made in the NY Times.

Then there was 14 years of betrayal coming home to roost. You know, when you run on a conservative platform, promising to fulfill Reagan's dream of limited government (and honor the Constitution), and then spend like a drunken Kennedy, you deserve to lose power.

Now, we're the underdogs again. Frankly, I'm happy about it. With the Democrats in control of the Congress and the Republicans in the Whitehouse, nothing will get done. And at least that's a form of limited government.

I just hope the terrorist attack(s) in the next two years (which I now preemptively lay at the feet of the Democrats) won't kill anyone I know.

Channelling Reagan

2006-10-23T14:11:00.000-04:00

I was laid up for the past week, having required minor surgery. After the third day of vicodin, I found my spirit guide, an aging cowboy named Ronald.

We spoke for several days on the astral plane. We spoke of terrorists (he's not in favor of them), economy (he liked the Dow hitting 12,000 following the tax cuts) and politics. At the end of my journey (out of vicodin), I asked him what he thought of the Republican leadership. He said it would be a good idea.

bin Laden Offers Pull Out Treaty in Iraq

2006-10-23T10:21:00.000-04:00

Usama bin Laden offered his own October surprise today by extending a truce offer to the United States and its allies in Iraq. Mr. bin Laden's plan, which contemplates a phased, pro rata reduction in al Qaeda and allied forces over a 6 month period, could begin as early as November 8.

"We endorse the great wisdom of Representative Murtha and his plan for redeployment of the great satan's minions," Mr. bin Laden said in a statement released by al Jazeera's U.S.-based affiliate, CNN. "If the U.S. military relocates its 140,000 person Army to Okinawa, a mere 5,000 miles from Baghdad, al Qaeda will also redeploy its troops from Iraq, along with those of other insurgent groups."

The al Qeada leader promised to move the estimated 20,000 person insurgency force even further from Baghdad than Okinawa. "We were thinking approximately 6,000 miles. Say somewhere in Jersey City. We may even spread out from there."

The proposal is under consideration by prominent Democrats.

Conclusive Evidence Kim Jong Il is Crazy

2006-10-10T10:09:00.000-04:00

The reportedly dud nuclear test by North Korea raises many questions, such as do we launch a preemptive strike before or after the midterm elections. But it also answered a few. Firstly, is Kim Jong Il nuts? The answer, of course.

The question has been open recently because, as one comedian points out, he acts crazy, the world capitulates and he gets what he wants. Perhpas this is not the act of a madman, but the skilled dance of a calculating man.

But now, it's about a month before our Congressional elections. The Democrats, on the heels of a kid-touching Republican scandal and a floundering President with the communication skills of a broken drive through speaker, are poised to take (by default rather than principals) the leadership of both houses of Congress. The only thing that could save Republican control of the legislature is an October Suprise that would rekindle American fears of terrorism and the need for a strong defense.

The Democrats, of course, have already announced their intention to coddle the little bastard dictator. If the Democrats regain power, is there any doubt that "aid" would flow freely into North Korea at the expense of U.S. taxpayers and to the long-term detriment of the North Korean peasants?

So what does he do? Kim Jong Il, on the eve of getting what he wants, does the only thing within his power to prevent it: he goes nuclear. Or tries, anyway. Like I said, he's nuts and this proves it.

Ted Turner On the Fence

2006-10-10T09:44:00.000-04:00

What is it with people named Ted? Are they all just insane? Does being named Theodore make people go a little bonkers? It seems to get worse if your name is Edward and you opt into being called "Ted."

There's Edward "Pass the Scotch" Ted Kennedy, drunk more often than water (appologies to Douglas Adams); Ted Kaczynski, possibly the most sane Ted since Rooselvent and now Robert Edward "Call Me Crazy Ted" Turner. He says that he can't pick sides in the war on terror. He objects to the "black and white" phrase "you're either with us or against us." He says he'd like to "study it." He "hasn't made [his] mind up yet."

Really? You can't decide whether you want to be on the side of your fellow Americans, or those whose sworn purpose is to kill every single one of us? That's a tough decision for you is? Are you really that much of a self-loathing, suicidal douchebag? Was mommy really that mean to you Teddy? I mean your life must have been really hard. Joining that Savvannah yacht club at the tender age of nine. America can be an unforgiving place, especially for billionaires.

He also objects to journalists wearing or displaying the American flag. Yeah, why should journalists acknowledge the symbol of the freedoms from which they draw their income? Why should journalists be allowed to show, clearly and unambiguously, how they feel? Is it because you know that, if they were really free to, CNN, NBC and CBS journalists would show this flag instead?

Can't Hear Over the Shouting

2006-10-06T15:13:00.000-04:00

I'm sorry, I don't have time to blog today. I'm too busy reading all the MSM articles on the plummetting budget deficit. Turns out cutting taxes actually increased revenues.

Seriously, I'm sure the NY Times and CNN will get around to reporting it. Eventually.

Go Get 'Em Boys!

2006-10-03T14:02:00.000-04:00

60 climate experts have written an open letter to the prime minister of Canada, asking that he hold open, public hearings about whether or not global warming is occurring and what, if anything humans can do about it.

All members of the list have impressive credentials, but not the least of which, is Freeman Dyson; one of the greatest living physicists. Freeman Friggin Dyson! doesn't believe in global warming.

I would love to see Al Gore debate any member of this list of experts.

Government Printing Office Discontinues Products

2006-10-02T17:14:00.000-04:00

The U.S. Government Printing Office announced today that it would discontinue several of its products due to poor sales. In particular, the GPO announced that it would not longer produce the 109th Congress bookmarks, 2"x5" gold plated titanium stamped with the Congressional seal and the Congressional motto "Sono un servent pubblico, genuflessione di me."

When asked for comment, GPO spokesman noted, "I guess all Congressmen just prefer bent over pages."

Summer Doldrums Come to an End

2006-09-26T22:41:00.000-04:00

Wow, Mike Wallace's kid does good. I find it funny that he's now being called a political hack for asking a question tame by 60 Minute standards. I really don't think Chris Wallace asked a terribly tough question. Maybe he should have presented former President Haywood Jablome with a falsified memo. In either case, me thinks Clinton doth protest too much.

In other telling news, Democrats jumped on another illegally leaked memo that, for them, seemed to prove they are right about Iraq and we should cut and run. I think Bush did the right thing by releasing the entire memo, but don't hold your breath for the NY Times to demand the appointment of an independent counsel to find the leaker. Whoever you are, you should be shot for treason.

The telling thing about their response is that the media and the left (but I repeat myself) seem to think this helps their cause. The excerpt, even as misleading as it was, only said that terrorists view Iraq as a recruiting poster. Good. Let them come. Because not too long ago, this was their recruiting poster. And we know how well that worked out.

What the left fails to understand is that terrorists are not going to like us. Ever. They will always want to kill us. Sure, American troops on the ground are going to attract attention. But so do American skyscrapers, capitol domes and subways. By picking a battle on their turf we drastically minimize the terrorists' ability to screw up our lives at home. Nobody wants to be in harm's way, but those brave men and women in Iraq are there to draw fire from the homeland. Democrats can't get it. They're still stuck on stupid.

Iraq is very much like, indeed, it is almost exactly like, putting a nice big sugar cube in the center of the kitchen. When the roaches come, you kill them there with a nice fat newspaper. You don't wait until they're in your morning coffee. Most Americans understand that (if only the administration would say something coherent).

The left, however, would blame the sugar cubes for creating the roaches. That is why they are so dangerous. If we pull out of Iraq before we defeat all of the terrorists there, this will be their new recruiting poster. Or this, but it won't be in the desert.

Man bites dog

2006-09-26T14:37:00.000-04:00

Wow. Brilliant speech. If only the media would report on it.

Being a Lawyer

2006-09-26T12:17:00.000-04:00

As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual certainty, and I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life - so I became a scientist. This is like becoming an archbishop so you can meet girls.
--Matt Carmill.

This is a fair summation of the sentiment that lead me away from science. For 7 years, I studied physics, chemistry and technology. I designed and built satellites for NASA. It's true, I did. I even built a few that function properly. But I never loved the job.

You spend a lot of time dealing with bullshit and you are constantly competing with others for government dollars. As a capitalist, I love competition, but only on an objectivist standard. Congress, regrettably, couldn't tell its ass from its headhole, so winning a government contract is more akin to winning homecoming queen than a real competition. It's a lot more about looking pretty and being liked than being right or even good.

So, I left science for law. To paraphrase Mr. Carmill, this is like leaving the archdiocese to become a rabbi: the money is better and celibacy is no longer mandatory, but otherwise it's the same crap.

My grandfather was in law enforcement, and I suppose that was what lead me to the law. He was the king of black and white. Having practiced for nearly 5 years now, I have yet to see anything but shades of gray.

I suppose I always thought that what it took to be a good lawyer was the intellect to understand difficult concepts, the cleverness to invent new solutions and the persuasiveness to convince others. I was wrong.

What it takes to be a good lawyer, is an infinite capacity to deal with bullshit. Other people's bullshit, which they gladly dump on you. Other lawyer's bullshit, which they inherited from their clients. Volumes of catalogued, ordered, numbered bullshit from the government, usually in triplicate. And the overwhelming amount of bullshit that comes from the incessant incompetence of those around you. Documents disappearing. Email systems crashing when you can least afford a delay.

And a good lawyer is the one who never shows the client their frustration. Why? Because a good lawyer has to have a high threshold for bullshit.

I don't.

I don't know what path others may take, but as for me, give me liberty and no BS. I have to think about my career options, but I can't see myself being a lawyer for much longer. Maybe I'll be a politician. They seem to export bullshit.

IAEA Makes a Splash

2006-09-26T12:15:00.000-04:00

If there's a better anecdote that sums up the truth about IAEA's competence, I'd like to hear it.

More Global Warming Propaganda

2006-09-22T10:52:00.000-04:00

Read this article carefully. Do you see what I mean? THE OCEANS ARE GETTING COLDER, but global warming is STILL beyond dispute. "[G]lobal warming trends can sometimes take little dips?!?" You mean, like ice ages?

You are an idiot if you believe anything the media tells you about global warming.

It's pathetic. It's scare mongering and it's fraud. If you believe in global warming, and you believe it's caused by mankind, you are a complete and total moron.

Muslims Concerned Over Backlash of Tomorrow's Papal Assassination

2006-09-19T12:12:00.000-04:00

The Council on American-Islamic Relations (CAIR) today issued the following statement at a news conference in Washington, D.C., in anticpation of tomorrow's beheading of Pope Benedict XVI.

"American Muslims have consistently condemned all acts of terrorism, whether carried out by individuals, groups or states. We repudiate anyone or any group that plans or carries out a terrorist act. We welcome early actions by law enforcement authorities against credible threats to the safety of the infidel Pope.

"The American Muslim community has always been dedicated to the protection of our national security. It is also important that our fellow Americans understand that Muslims are law-abiding citizens who should not be targeted or singled out because of their faith or national origin.

"We have been contacted by federal law enforcement authorities who are taking steps to ensure that there is no backlash against the American Muslim community. We commend them for their pro- active efforts. We ask local Muslim communities to step up security measures at mosques and other Islamic institutions. We also urge local law enforcement agencies to coordinate with Muslim leaders to deter hate crimes.

"It is important, based on past counterterrorism cases that did not lead to terror convictions, that we withhold judgment until all the facts of this case come to light. We also ask public officials and commentators to avoid using stereotypical and ill-defined terminology when referring to this and similar cases.

"As the largest American Muslim civil rights and advocacy group, it is our religious and civic duty to reach out to all Americans to reaffirm Islam's teachings of peace, justice and tolerance for all."

CAIR, America's largest Muslim civil liberties group, has 32 offices, chapters and affiliates nationwide and in Canada. Its mission is to enhance the understanding of Islam, encourage dialogue, protect civil liberties, empower American Muslims, and build coalitions that promote justice and mutual understanding.

New War on Drugs

2006-09-15T13:51:00.000-04:00

Citing prison overcrowding and failing drug interdiction efforts, the White House announced a bold new initiative in the war on drugs. "The price of most street drugs is at an all time low. We need to change that," noted White House spokesman, Tony Snow.

The President has therefore joined with Senator McCain and other top legislators to introduce a bill that would not only legalize marijuana and other drugs, but would regulate it. "Under this legislation, Congress will create the Drug Regulatory Commission," the President noted in a press release. "This Commission will investigate and implement regulations on the sale and distribution of common narcotics and marijuana," the statement notes. "By regulating an otherwise efficient market, we hope to disrupt the efficiency of that market."

In support of this theory, experts cite such regulatory acheivements as the utilities industry, Amtrak, government housing, prescription medication and gas prices.

"We are also looking into including marijuana, poppy and coca farmers in the farm subsidies," noted Senator McCain. "If you think wheat is jacked up on subsidies, wait till you see what it does to the rock," he added.

States may also add a per-ounce tax. California is already considering applying its "summer blend" legislation to marijuana, heroine, cocaine and crack. "We feel we can get the street price of an ounce of Mary Jane up to $500," noted one legislator. Another noted that "it's just like OPEC. No matter how fast they produce the poppy seeds, the price of street horse will be held up on the supply side."

"They're doing what legislators do best," says Harvard Professor of Economics, Martin Feldstein. "They're turning Reagan's supply-side economics on its head."

Of course, consumers should not feel left in the cold. Although these policies are intended to have a direct impact on the price of illicit drugs, Congress is not unaware of the economic realities. "We appreciate the effect this will have on working families," noted one legislator. "Therefore, we intend to provide drug addicts with a rebate to offset any increased cost."

Funded by income tax dollars, of course.

Just So We're Clear

2006-09-15T12:53:00.000-04:00

Islam is a religion of peace.

Pentagon Announces Camp Foxtrot

2006-09-15T11:41:00.000-04:00

The Pentagon, today, announced a new War on Terror Dentention Facility that will eventually replace Camps Delta and Echo at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. The new prison will be called "Camp Foxtrot." This announcement comes on the heels of President Bush's announcement last week that several enemy combatants have been detained in CIA prisons in Europe.

Pentagon spokesman, Lawrence DiRita announced the new camp at a press conference yesterday. DiRita notes that, although the location has been determined and the facilities have been built, the military has deemed the location of Camp Foxtrot to be classified information. "In general, U.S. military installations are not open to the public or the press. Camps Delta and Echo enjoyed a well-meaning but misguided exception to that rule. Camp Foxtrot will not," DiRita said.

When asked whether press and non-governmental organizations would ever be allowed to visit the camps, DiRita noted "Sure. The United States Military will even arrange transportation. Those wishing to visit Camp Foxtrot need only to be caught on the battlefield by U.S. forces." DiRita cautioned, "Just be sure it's the U.S. military that catches you. The rest of the world still tortures and kills terrorists."

A well-placed source has noted that Camp Foxtrot will not be in Cuba, but in a climate more conducive to interrogation. "We've found that these cretins like warm weather. So the plan is to put them some place, a bit more chilly." The provisions may also be a bit more Spartan than Guantanamo. "They can bring their copies of the Koran, but good luck reading it in 18 hours of darkness every day."

White House spokesman, Tony Snow, was asked "What should NGO's or foreign countries do if they are concerned about the health or well-being of the detainees." He responded, "come and try to take them."

Fifth Anniversary of 9/11

2006-09-11T12:02:00.000-04:00

I am loathe to add another long-winded diatribe about 9/11 to the blogsphere, so I will attempt to be brief.

What have we learned in the five years since 9/11?

The terrorists still want to kill us.
They haven't been able to.
The Democrats, and the Clinton's in particular, are selfish, petty people who value appearance over substance and hypocrisy over principles.
They are fooling only themselves and the media.

The first point needs no further explanation, and the second is the same remarkable statistic that I have harped on each year since 9/11: zero. The number of attacks on American soil and the number of Americans killed by terrorists in Manhattan. An amazing feat, the accomplishment of which should not be tinkered with.

The third (and fourth) points have become obvious over the past few days. A film, based on the 9/11 Commission Report, has been savagely attacked by the Image is King clan of the Democratic party in the hopes that people will (1) forget that Clinton had 8 years to kill or capture Osama bin Laden and, despite thousands of American casualties, did nothing but destroy and aspirin factory and (2) accept censorship, so long as its chilling winds come from the left.

This is the primal difference between modern Democrats and most everyone else: cowardice. Why is it that these defective people are so afraid? Why do they always need to rely on big government, big bullies or underhanded threats to get their way? Is it possible they know that their ideas cannot compete in a fair marketplace? Are they so confident of their failure that they need to resort to bullying?

Think about every "solution" proferred by the left and you will see the coercive hand of big brother; an appeal to a higher power to mandate that the universe give them their way:

Lost an election? Demand recounts until some method of counting will declare you the winner. (Results not guaranteed. See Florida and Mexico).
Can't get a job? Don't worry about improving yourself, we'll just mandate that people hire you.
Can't hold a job? Declare yourself a member of a protected class immune from the harsh judgments of reality. (Not available for straight, healthy, white men.)
Docudrama accurately depicts your slothenly, no-action presidency? Demand the network censor itself of face the consequences.
Can't get people to believe your crazy donkey science about global warming and the environment? We'll sue the government and get a nitwit judge to rule in our favor.
Can't afford those high prices at the pump? We'll regulate the prices, it worked for Jimmy Carter!
Can't afford those pricey prescriptions? Get the government to steal from the rich to fund your healthcare.
Successful sports franchises dominate the league? We'll mandate a salary cap to erase that harmful competition from the market.

The Democrats have come to represent everything I hate about the human race. They are the self-loathing, scared little creatures who, eons ago, didn't want to venture out of the cave, lest the boogey man grab us. They are the sickening hypocrites who cry for civil liberties for terrorists, then demand that ABC not tell the truth about 9/11. They are the vile, despicable cowards that protest against racially profiling when it is the most effective and rational means to prevent the next attack.

I no longer believe they hate the American way of life. They just lack the stones to stand up for it. I have pity on them, but I won't regret stepping over their corpses when the revolution comes.

Miniseries Under Fire

2006-09-06T19:25:00.000-04:00

June 6, 2001
German author Guenter Grass has joined the chorus of voices expressing outrage over the HBO miniseries "Band of Brothers." The movie is billed as a dramatization based on the book of the same name by Stephen Ambrose. According to a disclaimer shown at the beginning of each episode, it "has composite and representative characters and incidents, and time compressions have been used for dramatic purposes."

But a portion of the film showing so-called "concentration camps" and German complicity in other war crimes has aroused the ire of some of the German officials portrayed.

A statement from Guenter Grass, who was in the Waffen SS at the time, calls the scenes involving his unit "complete fabrications."

And author Heinrich Herrer, called on HBO to show disclaimers throughout each episode, not just at the beginning. "HBO has a responsibility to make clear that this film is not a documentary, and does not represent an official account of the facts surrounding ze zecond vorld var.," he said. "Ve never did zuch zings, und eetz never been proven," he added.

bin Laden Reverses: al-Qaeda Victims to Get 72 Virgins

2006-09-06T14:32:00.000-04:00

Mainstream Media
Sept. 6, 2006 Mainstream Media has learned that Osama bin Laden will announce that civilian victims now being killed by al-Qaeda attacks will be given 72 virgins and a proper martyr's funeral. It will be the first time the Administration publicly acknowledges the humanity of the victims.

A source familiar with the leader's announcement says it will apply to all future victims of al-Qaeda's terrorist atrocitiess. The source says there are "about a dozen" attacks currently planned.

Until now, al-Qaeda has not officially acknowledged the basic humanity of its victims.

The bin Laden administration has come under harsh criticism for its handling of hostages, their mutilated corpses and the videos of their beheadings.

Many victims have posthumously been given the jihadi status of "martyr," which includes both infidel and non-infidel civilians.

"It was de least we could do. I mean you treat us so well, it is only right that you infidel dogs should have 72 virgins when we indiscriminately murder you."

Ford Motor Co. Announces New CEO

2006-09-05T19:55:00.000-04:00

Detroit, Michigan
September 5, 2006
William Ford Jr. announced today that he was stepping down as CEO of auto giant Ford Motor Company after nearly 5 years at the helm. Ford's Board of Directors quickly named Alan Mulally, former head of aircraft manufacturer Boeing Commercial Airplaines, as the new CEO.

Mr. Mulally quickly announced several initiatives that he hopes will lift Ford's flagging auto sales. "Based on my experience at Boeing, and my knowledge of the automotive market, I believe this is the right path for Ford to take."

The initiatives included a line of non-incindiary trucks. "Market research shows that, much like aircraft, people tend to purchase trucks that don't explode spontaneously." In addition, Mr. Mulally will stress passenger safety and plans to reduce the number of recalls nearly 100%. "We're introducing a new term into the American lexicon, which will account for the vast majority of Ford-related fatalities: 'driver error.'"

Mulally also announced a new "comfort fit" cabin. "Again, taking from my experience at Boeing, Ford will develop an SUV with 21 inches of leg room, rather than the wasteful 41 now in use." The comfort cabin will include other Boeing innovations such as the "intestinal tray implant" and the "hip-numbing lump."

In an effort to reduce cost, passenger and driver windows will be reduced from their current size to 12"x12". That new-car smell will also be replaced. "We're calling it Unbathed Migrant Chicken Farmer," noted Mr. Mulally.

Mr. Mulally was asked whether he felt able to deal with Ford's ongoing labor disputes with the UAW and other unions. "Of course. We laid of tons of people at Boeing."

Miracles do Happen!

2006-09-01T11:04:00.000-04:00

I am stunned! I know it's on the Friday before a big holiday weekend. Sure it still manages to blame others for the media frenzy they themselves induced and inflamed. But hey, who can blame them--they are still stuck in the third grade.

It is true, however, the Washington Post has admitted (1) Bush didn't lie about Niger and Uranium and (2) Joe Wilson is a lying sack of scum. I realize that some of this requires a bit of logic, so I'll do my best to illucidate:

Point 1:

Mr. Wilson chose to go public with an explosive charge, claiming --
falsely, as it turned out -- that he had debunked reports of Iraqi
uranium-shopping in Niger and that his report had circulated to senior
administration officials.

What does this mean exactly? You'll recall, Wilson said Bush lied about Saddam seeking uranium from Niger. (We'll leave for now the distinction between what Bush actually said, and what the WaPost and everyone else on the left heard him say.) The Washington Post, after torturing itself for years trying to hang the President, finally admits that Wilson was the one who lied, ergo, Bush did not.

Point 2:
See point 1.

Party of What?

2006-08-28T17:33:00.000-04:00

Regarding the invasion of Israel and the kidnapping of three Israelis, Hizballah leader Sheik Hassan Nasrallah said “We did not think, even 1%, that the capture would lead to a war at this time and of this magnitude.” Thereby proving, beyond a shadow of doubt, the mental capacity that it takes to rule the "party of allah."

"I mean, we thought, maybe an angry letter or some kind of stern warning. Certainly we would not get a card at Channukka. But to protect your borders and people with the military--this is unheard of." He later added, "look, if you're going to be so serious about it, we're just not going to play anymore."

In related news, Prime Minister Koizumi noted that Japan, even 60 years later, remains surprised that the United States reacted so "rashly" with regard to the events of 7 December, 1941. "I mean, it was just a couple boats in a harbor.'

Claire Voyant

2006-08-25T19:36:00.000-04:00

What did I say? I don't recall. It was so long ago. Did I make a prediction? Let me think...oh yeah! I said that some idiot was going to claim that global warming makes it colder! Turns out, I was half right. It was two idiots.

Drs. Hayley Fowler and David Archer have (apparently) authored a paper, a peer-reviewed paper, no less, that says that global warming may be causing Himilayan glaciers to grow. That's right, the warmer it gets, the more ice there is. Does that make sense to anyone?

At least we can finally lay our minds to rest about those drowning polar bears! If it gets bad in the Arctic, they can move to Pakistan!

I caveat my vitriol with the following: The BBC article makes no mention of how these men link glacial growth with global warming (other than the headline). I assume that they do, but if not, my apologies gents. It would, however, make me more correct in my prediction, the idiot in question being the BBC writer.

I got your season's greetings right here, pal.

2006-08-25T10:39:00.000-04:00

This is the best idea I've heard in a while. (Hat tip Sturm).

Have some fun and do something really worthwhile too!
Wanna have some fun this CHRISTMAS? Send the ACLU a CHRISTMAS CARD! Add them to your Christmas card list now.

As they are working so very hard to get rid of the CHRISTMAS part of this holiday, we should all send them a nice, CHRISTIAN, card to brighten up their dark, sad, little world.
Make sure it says "Merry Christmas" on it.

Here's the Address, just don't be rude or crude.

American Civil Liberties Union
125 Broad Street
18th Floor
New York,
NY 10004

Spend 39 cents and tell the ACLU to leave Christmas alone.

Extra points for anyone who is able to have an actual Christmas Tree delivered.

Ray Nagin, Leadership Jeanyus

2006-08-25T09:40:00.000-04:00

Mayor Ray Nagin has once again distinguished himself as America's preeminent Mayor. After failing to follow his own advice regarding evacuation plans, and negligently causing the death of thousands of innocent residents, Mayor McChocolate has made amazing progress in revitalizing the city that sleeps with anyone.

The Mayor's office announced today that its headquarters, pictured today at right, had been reopened. "We got most of the corpses out and that should clear up most of the smell." When asked about how his staff would be able to work in such conditions, he noted that "Look, this is N'awlins. Nobody actually shows up for work."

In response to accusations that the City's clean up crews have been slow to clear the "city" of its shanties, thatched roof huts and corpses, he was clear where blame should lie. "Look, Bush hates Black people. The national guard's been preventing the clean up."

Mayor Hershey added, "that's alright. You guys in New York can't get a hole in the ground fixed and it's five years later. So let's be fair." Indeed, it took the City of New York just over 8 months to completely remove every piece of debris from the terrorist attacks. Mayor Cadbury Egghead's ignorance of the distinction between clearing and rebuilding of private property was attributed by his staff to a lack of white gooey goodness under his chocolatey shell.

In addition, the citizens of New York, in recognition of his ode to 9/11, have again named Mayor Nagin Douchebag of the year, 2006. This is the second consecutive year the Mayor has won the title. His other laurels include "Architect of Disaster: How to Ruin a City With Incompetence;" The "Race Baiter 2006: Chocolate v. Vanilla, Why I Hate Whitey;" and the "DNC Projection Award for 2005: Why Bush Is Responsible for my Failures as a Human Being."

Clear Evidence of Media Bias

2006-08-24T18:51:00.000-04:00

From today's Drudge Report:

CABLE NEWS RATINGS
WED., AUG. 24, 2006 VIEWERS
FOXNEWS O'REILLY 2,219,000
CNN BIN LADEN 2,164,000
FNC HANNITY/COLMES 1,815,000
FNC GRETA 1,631,000
FNC BRIT HUME 1,329,000
FNC SHEP SMITH 1,302,000
CNN COOPER 1,185,000
CNN LARRY KING 787,000
CNN LOU DOBBS 723,000
CNNHN NANCY GRACE 674,000
CNN BLITZER 613,000
MSNBC OLBERMANN 440,000
MSNBC HARDBALL 385,000
MSNBC SCARBOROUGH 371,000

When did CNN hire Bin Laden?

[Before you post a comment, please realize that this is sarcasm, I know they're referring to a special report on bin Laden.]

Simple Solutions to Complex Problems

2006-08-23T10:03:00.000-04:00

It occurs to me that a lot of people are being inconvenienced because another bunch of ditrbags wanted to blow up more planes. As scrappleface notes, what is it with these psychos and planes? They're like scared little monkeys, angry at the big metal bird.

As I understand it, the plot was to use liquid explosives, such as nitroglycerine or notroethane (very disturbing site, by the way). These peaceful followers of Mohammad would smuggle them on board in drink containers and set them off in flight, killing everyone on board. So now, no one is allowed to bring drinks or any other kind of liquid on board. Much like the teacher punishing everyone when the erasers disappear.

Why not make them drink instead? These things, in large doses, may be lethal (or here: if NJ says it's hazardous, lookout). Anyone who shows up at security, wanting to bring a drink on board, has to take a big swig and swallow. Not only will this allow normal humans to go about their business, it will also help to eliminate a substantial portion of the savage population.

Just a thought.

World Leaders Urge Restraint, Bombers Continue to Fly

2006-08-21T11:28:00.000-04:00

Mainstream Media
August 21, 2006
Boston, Massachusetts. Kofi Anan again dispatched a high-level emissary to this battered region in the hopes that the bombers would once again stop. Having decimated the local village of Fenway since Friday, the Bronx Bombers continue to ignore the cease fire agreement reached just days ago.

Tearful and dressed in boy-sized uniform, Francis McGullicudy laid his pennant hopes to rest with a handful of dirt that he let slip through his small fingers as the casket was lowered into the ground.

"I feel proud of my team. I'm proud they are martyrs," says Francis at the intimate funeral in Thaniel Square, a village nestled along limestone hillsides and extensively damaged by five days of Yankee bombardment.

Officials Can't Believe Al Qaida Hasn't Taken Advantage of Glaring Security Lapses

2006-08-16T16:19:00.000-04:00

Mainstream Media
Keeping You Informed at Your Own Risk
August 32, 2006

Several highly placed administration officials have joined the ranks of political commentators and think-tank experts, who have recently decried al Qaida's blatant disregard for soft targets in the U.S.

"I think it's high time that these terrorists were held accountable for these lapses," said Bill Lohard, the newly named Secretary of Disclosing Security Weaknesses. "For nearly 5 years now, the press, private research groups, even this administration," he continued "have all reported vulnerabilities in our port system, our airport security, even our nuclear plants. What will it take to get the message across?"

"There does seem to be a general lack of savvy," noted P. Ompus Richardhead, a security analyst at the Society for the Advancement of Basic Operational Tactics Available to Guerrillas and Extremists. "There is a wealth of information out there on our vulnerabilities, even simple things like how to defeat airport security. You have to assume their heart's just not in it anymore."

Messrs. Lohard and Richardhead's comments come just days after a private think-tank announced that a nuclear explosion at a US port would cause a catastrophic loss of life and an enormous amount of economic damage. "We really had no idea that that would happen," explained Secretary Lohard. He noted that that the administration had assumed a few ships would sink and the people would need to drink bottled water for some time. "We didn't think it would be that big of a deal. Thank goodness for those folks at Rand Corp."

Snowing in August!

2006-08-16T11:19:00.000-04:00

Snow is falling on Johannesburg, South Africa. To be fair, it is winter in the Southern Hemisphere, but snow is exceedingly rare in that part of the world, and it's causing more than a bit of trouble.

No doubt the morons who spout their venom about global warming will find a way to twist this into their theory: "Oh, well drastic climate variations are definitely caused by global warming, regardless of what the results may be. It's still climate change." They may even try to make you feel stupid: "So you think that global warming is so simple that it only means increasing temperatures?"

Don't let them fool you. First, this is weather, not climate. Climate, by definition, is weather in a particular location, averaged over a long period of time. If it snowed in NEW YORK today, August 16th, it would not be "climate change," thought it would be a welcome relief.

Furthermore, global warming is all about warming. It is ridiculous to say that global warming, the increase of the average global temperature, will cause the average temperature to decrease on the globe. So what's happening? Nothing. Just periodic variations in weather.

Illegitimi non confoundaem.
Don't let the bastards confuse you.

Passing the Hat

2006-08-16T11:14:00.000-04:00

Last week, I returned from two weeks in lovely Negril, Jamaica with Mrs. Puma. The Dow Jones had jumped about 300 points and the Yankees found themselves 3 games ahead of the Bosox, having won 80% of their games in my absence.

This can mean only one thing: The Keep Pete Puma Out of The Country Fund is now accepting donations. A donation of a mere$350 per night (excluding airfare) can help provide Pete and Mrs. Puma with the level of comfort to which they have become accustomed. If you call now, there may still be hope that the New York Football Giants will continue their 1 game winning streak.

Won't you please call now?

Texas Messes with Marshall Islands

2006-07-20T16:17:00.000-04:00

The President, only two weeks over 60, has been enjoying a second childhood this week. First, he let it all hang out with British Prime Minister Tony Blair: "Yo! Blair. Them Syrians gotta stop this shit." Then he tried to give Frau Merkel a back rub. Don't get me wrong, her massively large conservative policies would make any Republican swoon.

Now, in a bit of Texas bravado, or perhaps to show Kim Jong "Limpodong" Il how it's done in Texas, he fires a few warning shots at the Marshall Islands. Maybe the Marshall Islands messed with Texas (hat tip JLev).

What scares me about this is that the article seems to have doubted we knew how to do it: "The Air Force successfully launched an unarmed intercontinental ballistic missile early Thursday." (Emphasis mine). Do people really think the United States is as pathetic as North Korea?

Secretary General, European Leaders Call For Restraint

2006-07-19T14:00:00.000-04:00

Mainstream Media Press Real
London, July 19, 1940
Headline: League of Nations, World Leaders Urge Restraint

Joseph Louis Anne Avenol, the Secretary General of the League of Nations, has joined the chorus of European leaders who are urging the British government to show restraint in response to recent incursions by rogue German pilots into British airspace.

Avenol pleaded with British Prime Minister, Winston Churchill, to avoid escalating an already tense situation. Avenol expressed serious concern over the increasing violence in Europe, and called on all sides to show restraint. Avenol said in a statement that any further escalation can have serious and long-term repercussions that would make a peaceful solution for the conflict impossible for the foreseeable future.

Avenol also called on Churchill to consider removing British occupation forces from its colonies in Asia, the Indian subcontinent and North Africa. “One mustn’t provoke these rogue German pilots into attacking,” Avenol said in his statement.

"I did indeed demand an end to the hostilities," Avenol said after meeting in Paris with Joachim von Ribbentrop, the German foreign policy chief. Mr. von Ribbentrop had just been briefed by his Waffen-SS emissaries that had returned from a fact-finding mission in the region, who assured him that British property was not in grave peril.

Despite the international consensus against action, however, British warplans continue to be discussed in Parliament. Many MP's are openly calling for war with Germany.

In other world news, Japan has announced another humanitarian mission to mainland China in an effort to relieve the suffering of its Asian brother.

---------------------
On that cheery note, I will be on vacation for the next two weeks, so your satire will have to come from elsewhere. Cheerio!

CBSNews -- Now with Solvitol

2006-07-17T09:56:00.000-04:00

RealMedia
July 32, 2006

CBSNews, in an effort to combat viewer malaise, will begin offering "solutions" to current events. Ms. Couric, the most reliable name in news, announced the program several weeks ago at a publicity stunt in San Francisco: "We heard from many people the news is just too depressing," she said. "Obviously, we can't sugar-coat what's going on, but there are cases where we can be more solution-oriented."

CBSNews today announced the implementation of a new, web-based program that will allow users to request solutions to common woes, such as the rising tension in the Middle East, the war on terror and the economy. The plan is to have Ms. Couric cover the most requested issues on her daily sugar cast.

CBSNews provided the following examples of it's Solvitol program:

Economic Issues
Issue: My healthcare rates are too high and I can't afford my medication.
Solution: The government should raise taxes and create a new healthcare rates program.
Issue: I'm worried about the spotted owl.
Solution: The government should raise taxes and create a spotted owl program.
Issue: My taxes are too high and I can't afford to pay my rent.
Solution: The government should raise taxes and create a tax rate and rent program.
Issue: I'm worried about global warming.
Solution: The government should raise taxes and create a global warming program.
World Events
Issue: I'm worried about the violence in Israel.
Solution: Israel should treat rebel forces with dignity and respect and stop the occupation of Arab lands.
Issue: I'm worried about the detainees in Cuba.
Solution: The United States should treat rebel forces with dignity and respect and stop the occupation of Arab lands.
National Politics
Issue: I am concerned that the government is too wasteful.
Solution: You should petition your Congresspersons and let them know that you demand accountability and the Congress should demand a recount in Ohio.
Issue: I think government is too detached from the people it governs.
Solution: You should petition your Congresspersons and let them know that you demand accountability and the Congress should demand a recount in Ohio.

Because Daddy Said So

2006-07-12T10:05:00.000-04:00

Washington D.C.
Realistic Media
July 11, 2006
A mere week after the nation celebrated the 230th birthday of the Declaration of Independence, the Republican controlled House of Representatives has passed a law outlawing internet gambling, including poker and sports betting. Readers may recall that the Declaration of Independence was written in response to a distant, irrational, tax hungry bloated bureaucracy that was unresponsive to the will of the governed. No irony there.

The motive for the legislation was to aid Americans in battling that horrible, cruel, addictive disease known as "having fun." Indeed, according to Rep. Bob Goodlatte, (R-Va.) "[i]nternet gambling is a scourge on our society. It causes innumerable problems in our society."

"People should be working harder to pay for the bloated federal budget, including the new Department of Increased Monitoring of Wagering on the Internet and Telephone Service," added his colleague Rep. Duncan Badcoffe (Sanctimonious Prick-Va.). "DIMWITS are very important to our government--we wouldn't be able to function without them," he added. He also added praise for the companion organization, the newly organized Federal Unified Casino, Keno and other Wagering on the Internet Taskforce Service.

Readers who are interested in applying for positions in either agency should contact Rep. Goodlatte at his office in Washington: (202) 225-5431. As with any government position, the applicant must provide proof of IQ (applicants with IQ's in excess of 80 need not apply) and a letter describing how you intend to belittle and frustrate the American taxpayer.

Now that the House has handled the most challenging issue facing Americans today, they can turn their attention to less pressing items, such as the army of illegal immigrants flowing across our unprotected border, the drunken-Kennedy Congressional spending that they have been promising to eliminate for 10 years and other more trivial issues such as tax reform, social security reform, domestic security and other areas where Congress actually has a Constitutional mandate and/or authority to legislate.

Navy SEAL Needs Help

2006-07-11T14:39:00.000-04:00

There is a Navy SEAL in need of a bone marrow transplant, no suitable donor has been found.

If you live anywhere near Spotswood, NJ, please help.

Hollywood and Other Communists

2006-07-04T16:43:00.000-04:00

Mainstream Media, Inc.
July 4, 2006
Hollywood stars, in staunch support of hero mother (of her late, estranged son, Cassie) Cindy Sheehan's hunger strike, have announced a "rolling hunger strike." When asked why no Hollywood star would committ to fasting with Sheehan rather than a one-day "fast" no tougher than a Hollywood Spa Cleansing Diet, Susan Sarrandon, the organizer, quipped, "Let's not be ridiculous. We have principals, but we've got to eat!"

Sean Penn, renowned journalist basher, added a bit of practical perspective, "Man, like I need to lose like weight for a new role anyway."

In other Hollywood-related news, Communist paradise North Korea test-launched a long-range ballistic missile today. One emmaciated peasant noted proudly, "That's almost as fulfilling as a full meal." Hanoi Jane Fonda could not be reached for comment, though we're sure she's delighted.

All the News That is Fit to Print, And Then Some

2006-07-03T09:56:00.000-04:00

New York Times
Metropolis, July 3, 2006
Man of Steel or Kansas Farmboy?
The New York Times has learned that Clark Kent and Superman are the same person. Mr. Kent, a reporter for the Daily Planet, has apparently been disguising his identity for the last 10 years or more. He has worked as a reporter for the Daily Planet since 1999, according to records obtained by the New York Times, the same year the Superman first appeared in Metropolis, prior to his 5-year absence. "Superman," a.k.a. Clark Kent was ostensibly searching for his home-world, without luck.

"In retrospect," said one fellow reporter who preferred to remain anonymous, "it's kind of obvious that the two of them disappeared at the same time."

Shocked and hurt by Superman's cruel deception, Lois Lane--Clark Kent's fellow reporter and Superman's alleged paramour--lashed out. "No comment," she cried with the rage of a woman scorned in her eyes.

Ms. Lane's son, Jason, is rumored to be the Superman's love-child. Dr. Maydjaluke at the Metropolis Scientific Institute says that, if true, the boy will likely eventually posses the same powers as his alleged father, Superman. "That is not to say that he is invulnerable now. It is very likely that he is now between the stages of boy and superboy, as it were. I'm sure a sufficiently sharp object could kill him until he were in his mid-teens."

The New York Times has also learned that Superman himself is not entirely invulnerable. Apparently radioactive pieces of his home-world, known as Kryptonite, are deadly to him. Dr. Maydjaluke confirmed that, even in small amounts, ingestion and metabolization of kryptonite would probably kill him. "Unlike a simple shiv or a kryptonite bullet, either of which can be removed, ingestion of the kryptonite would probably be irreversible and lead unalterably to his death," Dr. Maydjaluke said. "So make sure your morning coffee is kryptonite free, Mr. Kent," added Dr. Maydjaluke.

We caught up with Mr. Kent at the Starbucks at 43rd and Lexington, where he buys his unique triple cappuccino with extra full-fat cream. With guilt trodden eyes and blushing with a sense of remorse, Mr. Kent denied the allegations.

Mr. Kent, a native of Smallville, is still very close with his widowed mother, Martha Kent, who lives at 33614 Prairie Oak Drive, Smallville Kansas, and frequently spends her time alone. Indeed, the nearest neighbor to the Kent farm is certainly outside of earshot and cannot be seen without a telescope. Mr. Kent is said to have been devastated at the loss of his father several years ago and "would have done anything to have him back."

Mr. Kent denies the charge and his alter ego, Superman, has asked this paper not to publish this report. Although the New York Times understands the need for some personal privacy, we feel the public's right to know trumps any one (or even two) person's privacy.

Update:
Indeed, the public has already expressed its appreciation for our principled reporting:

Thank you so much for your wonderfully informative article. Can you confirm whether Mrs. Kent keeps any firearms in her home? Also, what are your rates for classifieds--say a full-page ad for oceanside land in Arizona?
-L. Luther, Metropolis
Wonderful story New York Times! I love all the information you provide on a daily basis--can't get enough of it. Speaking of which, would you know when the next meteorology exhibit showing a sample of kryptonite would be? I would love to see it for myself.
-Dr. M. Fine, whereabouts unknown.
LOVE, LOVE, LOVE the story! I wonder if you know whether that Starbucks is hiring? Your employment section was mum about it. Cheers!
-Oswald Lumis, Metropolis Penitentiary (temporary address).
Shockingly good reporting! Could Dr. Maydjaluke say whether young Jason Lane is yet impervious to electricity?
-Leslie Willis, Metropolis.
[Grunts]. Me like. Me kill you last.
-Doomsday, Outerspace.

Superman Returns

2006-06-29T10:07:00.000-04:00

There are things in this world that could be better: the government, media objectivity, highway maintenance schedules, even other people's driving. We are surrounding by things in need of improvement. Superman Returns is not one of them.

I caught the film last night and it was mindblowing. If you enter the theatre with a crate of cynicism, never having seen or heard of Superman before, after 154 minutes, you will believe that a man can really fly. That it's possible to stop a plane crash. That bullets do bounce off the man of steel. That Lois is worthy of him.

The film was beautifully done and is the best film I have ever seen. It is a tribute to Richard Donner's first two films and everyone who contributed to them. Brandon Routh performs as Superman as well as Christopher Reeve did, and that is saying a lot. I was concerned about Kate Bosworth as Lois, but she does a really good job. She's no Teri Hatcher, but she's not Margot Kidder, either (thank God). The only complaint I have is this anti-American nonsense, which is sad, but I've already said my piece about it, twice.

The most amazing feat in the film is the attention to detail. It is everywhere. From Clark hiding his suitcases in a broom closet (why rent an apartment when you can float above Metropolis) to the amazingly realistic physics. (Don't read any further unless you want me to spoil things for you).

In the first reappearance of Superman, he has to detach the space shuttle from an airliner when the couplings fail to unlock and the two craft are headed into space. When the shuttle is clear, he sees the plane spinning out of control and plummeting. He races towards the plane and grabs a wing, only to have it break off from the stress. He has to fly through the other wing as it snaps off and sails toward him. As the fuselage screams towards Earth, he struggles to catch up and stop it. As he catches it, the nose-cone is crushed by the weight of the fuselage.

The entire sequence, from his zipping onto the scene to the climax, you see the struggle, the drive and the tenacity. It's made all the more believable because it seems so difficult for him. Moreover, the quick glimpses of him by the passengers, the partial views-which in the past were signs of the limits of technology-make it more real. His small size relative to the plane and the panicked glances of the passengers all contribute to the belief that (1) there is real danger and (2) he is doing everything he can to save their lives.

Too often in renditions of Superman, we see him nonchalantly saving people or preventing disaster. There is no hint of struggle or difficulty. This misses the point of Superman. He is not an omnipotent god, but merely a man with an amazing gift. How he uses that gift and how difficult it is for him, makes him who he is.

Brilliant job, Mr. Singer.

NYTimes Not So SWIFT?

2006-06-27T14:02:00.000-04:00

Don't get me wrong, I think the NYTimes is a bunch of self-loathing, Anti-American pansies, but it also seems a bit odd to me that a terrorist wouldn't know that the Society for Worldwide Interbank Telecommunication would be a bad place to do business.

I mean, their own website, says they cooperate with authorities:

2. Cooperation - SWIFT has a history of cooperating in good faith with
authorities such as central banks, treasury departments, law enforcement
agencies and appropriate international organisations, such as the Financial
Action Task Force (FATF*), in their efforts to combat abuse of the financial system for illegal activities.

How could a terrorist not know that using a bank that used SWIFT would be a
bad idea? Is it possible that the Bush Administration tricked the NYTimes into believing that it was revealing top secret information so as to reveal its (the NYTimes') true colors?

I doubt it, but you can always hope.

Cannabis Iced Tea

2006-06-26T15:43:00.000-04:00

[Not a Parody]
A Swiss company has produced and British health food stores will sell an iced tea laced with THC (the chemical in marijuana) and hemp flower syrup. They're calling it C-ICE. Leave it to the Swiss to miss a great opportunity:

Pot Tea: You're In for a Treat!

Or Pot Tea: Freshly Baked (hat tip Mrs. Puma).

Study Says Earth's Temp at 400-Year High

2006-06-22T17:47:00.000-04:00

[Mocking the original since 1606.]
Jun 22, 1606 11:10 AM England/Western
By JOHN HEILPRIN Accompanied Press Scribe
London

A panel of top wizards, alchemists, zetetics and leechers told Parliament today that the Earth is running a fever and that "human activities are responsible for much of the recent warming." The panel suggested leetching of the heavens and a bromide cleansing of the Earth. Their 15-scroll report said average global surface temperatures in the Northern Hemisphere rose about 1 cat's scrotum during the 16th Century.

The report was requested in November by the chairman of the House of Commons Science Committee, Minister Sherwood Forrester (Labour-Hufflepuffingtonshire), to address naysayers who question whether Earthly warming is a major threat.

Climate wizards Michael Mann, Raymond Bradley and Malcolm Hughes had concluded the central region of Earth was the warmest it has been in 200 years. Their research was known as the "sheephards-cane" witchcraft because it compared the sharp curve of sheephard's cane to the recent uptick in warmness and the cane's long shaft to decades of previous climate stability.

The Royal Academy wizards concluded that the Mann-Bradley-Hughes research from the late 1590s was "likely" to be true, but Messrs. Mann, Bradley and Hughes all drowned during the verification process. "At least we know they weren't warlocks," said John Burnham Atthestake, a professor of alchemy, bloodletting and animal husbandry at the University of Slytherinshire and a panel member. The conclusions from the '90s research "are very close to being right" and are supported by even more recent tea readings, Professor Atthestake said. "You might even say they are fake, but accurate," he added.

The panel looked at how other wizards reconstructed the Earth's temperatures going back thousands of years, before there was data from modern scientific instruments like tea leaves, eye of newt and lizards tongues.

For all but the most recent 20 dog-lives, the academy wizards relied on "proxy" evidence from petrified insects, entranced peasants, disembodied voices, talking woodland creatures and other sources. They also examined indirect records such as tree rings, anecdotal evidence and even things as unscientific as ice-core samples.

Combining that information gave the panel "a high level of confidence that the last few decades of the 16th century were warmer than any comparable period in the last 400 years," the academy said. "Indeed, the corners of the Earth, where the heavens meet the seas, are likely to be the hottest as this is where dragons are hatched," added one panel member.

The panel members said they had less confidence in the evidence of temperatures before 600. But they considered it reliable enough to conclude there were sharp spikes in pheasant sperm, blacksmith's sulfur and ox droppings, the three major "witch's brew" ingredients blamed for trapping heat in the heavens.

The wizards believe that the side effects of the Earthly warming have increased many fold over the last few years. Especially in England and the Netherlands, where women have begun to bear their breasts in public. "Not that we're complaining," noted Professor Atthestake. Indeed, we all remember, remember the 5th of November, clearly a case of hotheadedness gone awry.

Minister Forrester has introduced legislation in Parliament to outlaw oxcarts, pheasant husbandry and blacksmithing to help prevent catastrophy. Queen Anne's administration has maintained that the threat is not severe enough to warrant new livestock and blacksmithing controls that Buckingham says would have cost 5,000 peasants their jobs.

Professor Atthestake is determined to go further: "We're working on a crossbreeded leech, hummingbird and dragon." The wonderous creature would swoop into the heavens and remove all of the excess heat. "We think it is our only hope."

Google & Porn

2006-06-21T11:05:00.000-04:00

I was very bored at work and discovered something possibly interesting.

I went to images.google.com to search for a photo of Ronald Reagan for yesterday's post. I noticed that google had the "moderate safe" filter on (look below the text window for the status). I turned it off (follow the link) and had some fun.

If you search for any woman's name with the search filter off (meaning it searches the entire internet, including porn), out of the 18 or so images it finds, at least one is guaranteed to be pornographic. Jennifer, returns Jennifer Aniston, Jennifer Lopez and Jennifer from Dirty Latin Maids, as well as (Dr. Jennifer Normanly of UMass and other upstanding citizens--literally). Just Jen, yields, as its first and sixth hits gives you Jen from Teen Hitch Hikers (note the spelling). Michelle gives you Karup's Hometown Amateurs as well as We Live Together.

These aren't even pornstaresque names. Try Roxanne, Amber or Candi (the first two are disturbing). In fact, you have to get granny out to get no hits out of 18: Estel, Mildred, and Blanche. If you don't believe me, try it with any name (just don't follow the links at work).

As for men's names, John, Patrick, Michael, Ron and Jeremy (though not Ron and Jeremy together), all provide ZERO porn hits. Robert was the only one I could find that did, and that was one (Robert) Mapplethorpe photo that was paid for by you and me, so it can't be porn (just kidding, it still it). Even pornstar names were clean: Dirk (Digler), Peter (North or O'Toole) and Buck (Naked) (except for one very odd photo).

In fact, even going out further to ambiguous terms for male anatomy: junk, wood, woody, torpedo, salami, pipe and rod all returned the non-porn items. Even stud is safe for younger viewers.

What does this mean? Probably nothing, but consider this: google works by basically returning the most commonly cited or visited link (in this case, image) that matches the search criteria. So, as far as the top 18 for any given term, more people are citing and clicking through to porn that refers to women, rather than men or their anatomy. So what does that mean? Again, probably nothing, but I conclude that either

Male porn stars don't get any name recognition on these sites;
Women need to searching for more porn by male names; or
(My favorite) women only view porn if it involves other women.

His Legacy Lives On

2006-06-20T15:34:00.000-04:00

"I call upon the scientific community in our country, those who gave us nuclear weapons, to turn their great talents now to the cause of mankind and world peace, to give us the means of rendering those nuclear weapons impotent and obsolete."
President Ronald Reagan, March 23, 1983.
Today, June 21, 2006, that dream became a reality, as the strategic missile defense system was turned on. Congratulations to the physicists and engineers whose years of hard work, determination and inginuity made his vision real and our land safer.

And to those who mocked, doubted and ridiculed him and them -- go fuck yourself.

Brother Blog

2006-06-19T18:01:00.000-04:00

If you want the same conservative analysis with a Kansas farmboy slant (and less venom), check out my more pensive blog: www.kentoped.blogspot.com.

Superman Does Not Stand for Etcetera

2006-06-19T14:16:00.000-04:00

[Calmer, gentler version here]

Leave it to a whiny liberal magazine like Newsweek to leave off the patriotic leg of the most recognizable comic book cliché. In his review of Superman Returns, Newsweek's David Ansen can't bring himself to say truth, justice and the American way:

In "Superman Returns" (written by Michael Dougherty and Dan Harris from a story
they cooked up with Singer), the caped crusader for truth, justice, etc.
(Brandon Routh) returns to crime-ridden Earth after a five-year detour amid the
remains of his home planet. [emphasis mine].

It's the "American way," you self-loathing twit. I suppose that when you accept global warming and gun control as truths and clemency for Mumia Abu Jamal and Tookie Williams as justice, the American way just doesn't mean anything to you. This is exactly the kind of multiculturalism that makes me sick. Our culture is better than Stalin's Russia, than Pol Pot's Cambodia, than Che and Fidel's Cuba, than Ahmadinejad's Iran; than Saddam's Iraq, than Hugo's Venezuela and better than any other culture ever known to man.

Sure, it's not perfect here. America has blotches and scars, just as any other culture. We eat too much. We idolize celebrity too much. We spend too much and save too little. We let the government get away with unconscionable neglect and malfeasance. We have a history of compassion punctuated with violence. But find a culture that is better than ours. Living or dead. The Greeks and Romans? Think slavery. Think greedy conquest by legions of conscripted farmers. Think sex with underage boys. Think vomitoriums.

If you're not convinced, imagine what would become of a man of infinite power who grew up in Cuba or North Korea. How long do you think your world would continue to exist as it is at the mercy of an omnipotent superman who thought, as socialists, communists, islamofacists and their ilk do-that might makes right; that governments are instituted to enslave mankind; that taxes are owed to those with the power to collect them? Instead, Clark Kent was raised in a nation of laws; where governments are instituted among men by the consent of the governed; and where taxes are a burden borne with patriotic reluctance, not blind obedience. That is what makes Clark Kent Superman. Not his powers, not his ancestry, but how he uses them.

He is an American and he is proud of it. Superman is not a shared resource, he is a product of our culture, no one elses. He is not to be shared. He is not to be claimed by any other culture or country.

He is the symbol of everything that is good in America. He is our industry, our courage and our valor. He is the sacrificial kindness that gives humanitarian aid to people who wish us ill. He is the selfless courage and restrained power of our military, who have freed continents for nothing more than a soldier's ration. He is the industrious mind, that sees things not just how they are, but how they should be-and works to close the chasm. He is the love that propels mortal men into an inferno to save strangers, armed with nothing more than a helmet and a firehose. He is the mother's love that sacrifices her ambition for the welfare of her children. In short, he stands for Truth, Justice and the American Way.

[Note, the screenwriters, cowering in the face of world opinion, apparently drew the same or a similar conclusion as Mr. Ansen]

USMC to Rewrite Marine Corps Hymn

2006-06-15T15:21:00.000-04:00

June 32, 2006
General Michael Hagee, the Commandant of the United States Marine Corps, today announced that the Marine Corps Hymn, the oldest song in the U.S. armed forces, will be rewritten. Citing complaints and mounting pressure from various political groups, the Commandant noted the new hymnal would be uplifting, inspiring and wholly appropriate for the modern, multi-cultural world.

Attacks on the Hymn began soon after the Marine Corps forced Corporal Belile to appoligize to the Council for American and Islamic Relations for his song parody, Hadji Girl. The Counsel on American-Latino and Latino-American Trade and Exchange, or CALLATE, sent an open letter to the Commandant urging that reference to the battle of Chapultepec be dropped from the Hymn as it was offensive to Mexicans, Aztecs and Spanish conquistadors.

That letter was followed by a harsh rebuke from the Honorable Order of Liturgical and Infallible Earthly Religions That Have Analyzed Numerous Theological, Holy and Other Understandings, who objected to the Marine Corps's assertion that the streets of heaven would be guarded by Marines. The group claimed that the job would be reserved for UN peacekeepers who, unlike Marines, have certainly done nothing to warrant eternal damnation.

This prompted the United Nations Human Rights Counsel to weigh in on behalf of one of its members saying that Libyan president Muammar Qaddafi was now a U.S. ally and should not be reminded of past conflicts on the shores of Tripoli.

General Hagee said the new Hymn would be developed by an outside group of politically correct entertainment specialist. When asked why it was necessary to go outside the Corps to develop a politically correct song, he responded "we don't have any of you liberal sissies in the Corps."

Hadji Girl

2006-06-15T14:16:00.000-04:00

This is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. The USMC is seriously considering a political correctness code because some terrorist sympathizers were offended by a song parody sung by a Marine. The song is called Hadji Girl, and it's hilarious. (See HotAir for the video).

The lyrics are:

I was out in the sands of Iraq
And we were under attack.
And I, well, I didn't know where to go.

And the first thing I could see was
Everybody's favorite Burger King
So I threw open the door and I hit the floor

Then suddenly to my surprise,
I looked up and I saw her eyes
And I knew it was love at first sight.

And she said
Durka Durka Mohammad Jihad
Sherpa Sherpa Bak Allah
Hadji girl, I can't understand what you're saying.

And she said
Durka Durka Mohammad Jihad
Sherpa Sherpa Bak Allah
Hadji girl, I love you anyway.

Then she said that she wanted me to see.
She wanted me to meet her family
But I, well I couldn't figure out how to say no.
'Cause I don't speak Arabic.
So she took me down an old dirt trail.
And she pulled up to a side shanty
And she threw open the door and I hit the floor
Cause her brother and father shouted
Durka Durka Mohammad Jihad
Sherpa Sherpa Bak Allah
They pulled out their AKs so I could see
And they said,
Durka Durka Mohammad Jihad
Sherpa Sherpa Bak Allah
So I grabbed her little sister and pulled her in front of me.
As the bullets began to fly
The blood sprayed from between her eyes
And then I laughed maniacally.
Then I hid behind the TV
And I locked and loaded my M-16
And I blew those little f**kers to eternity
And I said
Durka Durka Mohammad Jihad
Sherpa Sherpa Bak Allah
They should have known they were f**king with a Marine.

CAIR claims that this song glorifies the slaughter of innocent Muslims. This is ridiculous, first of all, consistent with the rules of engagement, the Marine only returned fire (killing the father and brother). Second, CAIR cannot be heard to object to the use of human shields as it seems to be the primary method of Muslim defense. And third, and most importantly, IT'S A JOKE.

I have had the pleasure of knowing many Marines, and I have never known one to bow to the will of any man outside his chain of command, much less the enemy. CAIR is a wholly despicable organization that denounces any American who questions the "peaceful" nature of Islam, and then sits idle and mum when one of their own behead somebody or kill innocent civilians with a truck bomb. The idea that the USMC would value their opinion is absurd. Americans don't expect Marines to be PC any more than they expect the guard dog to sit for afternoon tea.

Please write the Commandant of the Marines and tell him what you think of Cpl. Belile's song and the idea that Marines need to be politically correct. He can be reached at comrel@hqmc.usmc.mil

Spiderman Reveals His Identity

2006-06-15T12:22:00.000-04:00

Daily Planet
Metropolis, June 14, 2006.
Opinion by C. Kent.

Another super hero came out in favor of the Super-Human Registration Act today as Peter Parker of the Daily Bugle announced that he was in fact, Spiderman. The announcement shocked New York, our sister city to the North.

I don't pretend to know what it is like to be a super hero; I am a humble country boy from Kansas. I do know Peter Parker, though. He was a great photojournalist and, whatever his reasons for revealing his identity, I trust he realizes what this revelation will do to his career and his personal life.

His revelation will undoubtedly place at risk his friends and family. Ever since the appearance of super villains, a secret identity has been necessary to prevent the exploitation of loved ones to coerce the super hero to do the villain's bidding. I would hate to think what I could be made to do if someone held my partner, Lois, for ransom. This remains a significant threat, and I hope Mr. Parker and his wife, Mary Jane, are able to cope with all that may come. I expect they can rely on Superman and other members of the super hero community if he should be in need of help.

There are other issues, however, that Mr. Parker must confront alone. The true burden of being a super hero is the knowledge that you are different. You will never catch cold. You will never need surgery. Of course, Mr. Parker was once human--he was bitten by a radioactive spider. But other super heroes come from places more remote and forgotten than Forest Hills, Queens. These super heroes, will never know the full truth of their origins. They will never know a home that welcomes them without question.

For these men, the loneliness is only bearable because they can, for short spans of time, pretend. They can summon up another identity. Someone who is not super, not abnormal and not alone. For them, a secret identity is an escape from the loneliness and the penetrating glare of the mere mortals who wish to be rescued from their own mediocrity.

Superman was asked about Mr. Parker's announcement (see Ms. Lane's article on page 1) and said, "Mr. Parker is a very brave man, more for his decision today than for anything he has done to save that fine city. But the important fact is that he made a decision based on what he felt was right, not what some politician told him to do. Identity and privacy should not be concerns of the state."

I agree with Superman. Make no mistake, there is evil in this world. Super heroes were placed here by the fates to protect the world from evil. They do so in the same way that fireman, policeman and soldiers do--at the risk of their own lives for men and women whom they have never met. The terrible events that unfolded in Stamford would have been far worse, were it not for the super heroes and their selfless battle against evil. The first and most important purpose of government is to protect the people. Any government interference with the activities of super heroes is unwarranted and illadvised.

As for his own secret identity, Superman chuckled and said, "My name is Kal-El, and I am the lost son of the planet Krypton. That's all anyone need know." When asked if he maintained a job somewhere in Metropolis, he replied, "Saving the world is a full-time job, Ms. Lane. You would be hard pressed to see me behind a desk somewhere." Indeed.

Some random thoughts

2006-06-12T20:09:00.000-04:00

There are few things that provide more evidence of your narcissism and hubris than the statement that your actions can control the weather, much more so the climate. That should tell you all you need to know about Clinton, Gore and pretty much everyone in the entertainment industry.

Since most of the people on the left side of the political spectrum are so self-involved and factually illiterate, most of the real debate occurs on the right. Ann Coulter, however, is one person on the right with such a venomous and bile-filled message, that she's the only one speaking the left's language. Ann Coulter could reasonably be expected to say she want's a bullet to be put in the president's head (assuming it's not a conservative president). She might even be so vicious and vile as to compare some future president or another politician to a sociopathic dictator who killed millions, and act as if she were being rational. What can you say? She speaks their language.

I'm sure that if the left really understood what the rest of us were saying, they'd hate us just as much. As for insulting the 9-11 widows, I think she was out of line. But then again, just about every day a liberal insults the widows and the victims with their idiotic ideology. At least Ann Coulter is honest about it.

Numerical Perspective

2006-06-12T15:24:00.000-04:00

The FBI announced the total crime statistics for the U.S. for 2005. There were 16,901 murders in the United States during 2005. In Iraq, in 2005, there were an estimated 13,449 deaths, including Iraqi police and military. If I wanted to prove things the way the media or the Democrats do, I would stop there, having left the false impression that the numbers mean something alone.

The population of Iraq (27 million), however, is far less than the United States (300 million). So on a per capita basis (or, more accurately, per 100,000 people), Iraq (50 murders per 100,000) is roughly 9x more dangerous than the U.S. (5.6 murders per 100,000).

Of course, the U.S. is a big and mostly dispersed place. If you live in a crowded place like Washington, D.C., for example, the murder rate is 35 per 100,000 (195 per 550,000). In other words, living in the capital of the United States you are only 40% safer than living anywhere in Iraq. (And that doesn't count the risk of being a member of the Capitol police when Cynthia McKinney is in town).

I think the solution is obvious. We should follow the sage wisdom of military geniuses like John Kerry and Teddy Kennedy and pull out before it gets worse; there's no reason to linger, risking American lives for sick, twisted savages that spend our money and our blood as if it were their own: I say we abandon Washington D.C.! Get out before it's too late! Quagmire! Quagmire!

Hitler's Death Seen as Insignificant to German War Effort

2006-06-09T13:37:00.000-04:00

BBC "News"
Berlin, Germany. April 31, 1945

Militant leader Adolf Hitler has been killed, Prime Minister Churchill has announced.
"Hitler has been eliminated," Mr Churchill said at a news conference in Paris, sparking sustained applause by non media personnel.

Hitler was considered the figurehead of the German insurgency. He was allegedly the leader of the Wehrmacht, blamed for killing millions of Jews and Allied forces.

"Russian military police were first on the scene after the apparent suicide," said Mr. Churchill, followed shortly afterwards by Allied forces.

Hitler was not a global mastermind like Kaiser Wilhelm, says the BBC's security correspondent, Frank Gardner. Instead he was a bloodthirsty and violent thug, who made enemies and several mistakes that might have contributed to his downfall. These included attacking the Soviet Union in violation of non-aggression pact as well as declaring war on the United States in 1941, our correspondent says.

His death does not mean either the Nazi elements or nationalist fighters will give up, says the BBC News's world affairs correspondent, Paul Reynolds. Indeed his removal might well bring about an explosion of revenge by his followers, he adds.

Zarqawi Powee

2006-06-08T18:08:00.000-04:00

The most wanted terrorist in Iraq is dead at the hands of U.S. forces. (1) Bravo. (2) Good riddance.

More importantly, though, is the reaction of our most dangerous enemies, the media and the democrats. There were reports, which surprised me, that "reporters" burst out in applause when Zarqawi's death was announced. NBC News's Richard Engel was quick to point out that it was Iraqi reporters who were cheering. Of course, our reporters were too busy be objective and rooting for the terrorists. Most of the other "news" providers were busy rushing to Bush critics and discounting Zarqawi's influence. Yet another reason not to shed a tear when these assholes get blown up by IEDs.

The Dems, not to be out done, have said that Zarqawi's death was a public relations "stunt." This from the party for whom, 24 hours ago, we weren't killing him quickly enough.

Military to Use Strap-Ons

2006-06-06T13:39:00.000-04:00

This is the coolest thing ever.

I can't wait for the home model.

I always wanted to be a military scientist, but they seemed to be going extinct when I was in grad school. Damn "peace dividend."

Unemployment Dips to 0%, But Hiring Slows

2006-06-02T10:13:00.000-04:00

[Parody of the Original].
May 32, 2007
Mainstream Media, Washington, D.C.
Job growth faltered in May, with employers boosting payrolls by just 15,403. Yet the nation's unemployment rate dipped to 0.0 percent, the lowest in recorded history.

The latest snapshot, released by the Labor Department on Friday, offered a mixed picture of the jobs climate. Wage growth, meanwhile, slowed, a development that should ease concerns about inflation getting out of hand.

The count of new jobs generated last month — 15,403 — was even less than the paultry 25,000 jobs created in April. Job gains for March and April turned out to be weaker than previously reported. On the other hand, the unemployment rate dropped a notch from 0.01 percent in April to 0.0 percent in May, the lowest ever recorded.

"How long can job growth decline without some drastic change from Washington?" asks I. Neil Tomarks, professor of Economics at Harvard. "At some point, the failure of this economy to create new jobs will bring it all crashing down on Hitl--Bush's head."

White House press Secretary Tony Snow, tried to focus on the unemployment numbers. "Look, everyone has a job-that's what zero percent means. Companies can't create jobs for people who don't exist," he claimed.

Private Screening of United 93 Offends Some Family Members

2006-05-30T19:38:00.000-04:00

May 31, 2006.
Mainstream Media. Washington D.C.

President Bush today offended many in the peace loving Muslim community by hosting a screening of the film "United 93," which has been described as a neoconservative fictionalization of the doomed flight. The president invited the family members of the passengers and crew to view the film in the Whitehouse screening room.

Some relatives of those on the flight, however, were left out. Ahmed al Ghamdi, whose brother Saeed was one of the victims on United Flight 93 says "It is not fair dat I do not get inbited to de Whitehouse. Dis is discrimination!" Rana Jarrah, whose son Ziad was among those who lost their lives that day also blasts President Bush: "Why should only de zionist pigs be allowed to watch de movie with the president? Why not my other son, Tariq, who has a special vest prepared for the occaission?"

Whitehouse press secretary Tony Snow declined to comment on whether the exclusion of the family members of four of the victims, Saeed al Ghamdi, Ahmed al Nami, Ahmad al Haznawi, and Ziad Jarrah, was racially motivated. One highly placed administration source claimed that the omission involved "security concerns." Nonetheless, the administration's refusal to include these victims' families is inexcusable.

In unrelated devolpments, the House and Senate have agreed on legislation that will allow anyone with a lawnmower or hammer to cross the U.S. border. "So long as their willing to do menial labor, keep prices down and speak Spanish, I can't see any reason to keep anyone out of the country," said Speaker Hastert.

In other unrelated events, H-911, the "We Will Never Forget What Happened That Day" Bill, is still held up in committee.

What the hell is wrong with you people?!

2006-05-26T09:50:00.000-04:00

A democrat from Louisiana is, surprise, surprise, under investigation for taking bribes. Now, down there on the bayou, kickbacks and a little palm grease goes a long way. In Washington, things are supposed to be different (don't laugh too hard). So the FBI executes a search warrant for this congressman's office, AFTER FINDING MARKED BILLS IN HIS FREEZER AT HOME. There was a WARRANT. There was EVIDENCE against him. A FEDERAL JUDGE signed the WARRANT.

So who comes screeching, 8-year old in pig tails, freckles and all, that "You can't do that!" Nancy Pelosi, rich do-gooder without a conscience? No. Ted "Hope You Can Swim" Kennedy? Nope. Tom "Obstructionist" Daschle? Not a peep. Denny Hastert! Denny "I Bet You Thought I Was A Republican" Hastert.

What the hell is wrong with you people? What are you people, on dope? I have read the Constitution cover-to-cover, on several occasions. I can tell you, without reservation, that there is NOTHING in there that prevents a bribery prosecution against you bloated, ignorant, immoral sacks of scum. You are PUBLIC SERVANTS. If you take bribes, you should be shot, not protected. You're already stealing my money at the point of a gun for programs that don't work.

Of course, ABC "News", desperate to slander more "conservatives", claimed Hastert was under investigation--even after the Department of Justice flatly denied it.

What the hell is happening to my country. Where are Reagan and Goldwater when you need them? Hell, I'd even take Gingrich.

Calling a spade a spade

2006-05-24T08:54:00.000-04:00

Great political toon by Eric Allie today. This is exactly what I've always thought of liberal democrats, their patronizing attitudes and their "defense" of the little guy. They love to brand libertarians and conservatives as racist because we look past race and judge people by one common standard.

Their most racist policy, affirmative action, can be summed up as "We hire the best and brightest people--and minorities too!" If you can't see the racism in that, you're already entrenched.

Kerrey Defends McCain

2006-05-22T17:09:00.000-04:00

Below is a letter from President Bob Kerrey of the New School University, regarding the commencement speech to be given by Senator McCain. He is basically pleading with the students (and faculty!) to give the Senator a chance to speak. Note that this was a full two weeks before the speech.

To: "Announce Announce"
Subject: A Note to the Community on Commencement from President Kerrey
May 5,2006
Memorandum to The New School Community
I write to respond to questions that have been raised about Senator John McCain's
appearance at our May 19, 2006 commencement, at which he will be our speaker and receive an honorary degree.
While I acknowledge the rights of those who have urged me to withdraw our
invitation to Senator McCain to make this request and defend the rights of any
person at this university to raise objections, demonstrate, and petition
this office, I do not intend to withdraw our invitation. Not only do I believe
that Senator McCain's public service is deserving of honorary recognition by The
New School, but I also believe that he honors us with his presence.
Senator McCain is one of the greatest and most influential moral and
political leaders of our age. His public service accomplishments are not only entirely consistent with our best traditions, but far out-weigh any disagreements we may have with his views on any particular issue.
Let me mention just a few. He almost single-handedly changed our laws to prevent the use of torture with enemy combatants. With Senator Edward Kennedy, he co-sponsored immigration legislation which gives immigrants to our country the kind of hope that our University in Exile once did. And, he changed the laws governing national election campaigns. Overarching all of these accomplishments is a personal legacy of integrity and public service that would make our founders proud, even though they might also find areas of disagreement on specific issues.
My hope is that students, faculty, and staff will listen carefully to Senator McCain's message to us before judging whether we have made a mistake. My strong belief is that his words and spirit will allay the concerns of most of his critics.
Sincerely,
Bob Kerrey

Of course, the temperamental little shits threw a tantrum (or here) when the Senator spoke. Little miss Jean Sara Rohe, idiot incarnate, had the lack of sense to say "I am young and though I don't possess the wisdom that time affords us, I do know that pre-emptive war is dangerous." Oh, okay. So you say you're not wise, but people should listen to your opinion on war over those who have had bamboo shoved in the most inconvenient places by our enemies? We should base the decisions involving our national security, not on the wise counsel of veterans, but on the admittedly unsage advice of a 22 year old jazz musician? Not surprisingly, she's spent time in Cuba and Palestine. No doubt to ease the guilty conscience of growing up wealthy in Paterson, NJ.

I have, I am sad to confess, been in the audience when Hillary Clinton spoke. I have been forced, but virtue of my job, to listen to all manner of idiocy spewing from the mouths of the wretched limousine liberals and their faulty little brains. But I have treated them with decency and respect, even though I knew they did not deserve the courtesy and it would not be returned. Why? Because I am better than them. Conservatives will always be better than the petty little people who fancy themselves saviors of the downtrodden. We have values, and that makes all the difference.

In fact, beyond that, I have always been courteous and respectful of people's opinions. Only with my close friends have I had full and frank discussions of politics and worldly issues. To me, discussing pretty much anything with a liberal has been like engaging in a battle of wits with the unarmed. I have refrained, in "polite" company, from making my opinion known, so as not to embarrass any of you. That stops today. You little bastards are on notice. I'm smarter than you, I'm more eloquent than you and I know a hell of a lot more about the world than you can successfully pretend to. From now on, the next time I hear one of you commenting on policy or politics without any basis, I will convert you or embarrass you. The choice is yours.

The fact that the president of a University had to tell students, people who are supposed to be maturing young adults, to treat a sitting Senator, a war hero, even, with respect is disgusting. The fact that the student AND FACULTY, behaved as they did is unforgivable. These wretched little creatures deserve the unsatisfied little lives they will have; clinging to their guilt and their misguided notions of the world around them.

One day, the McCains of the world will disappear. Having borne the burden of liberty alone too long, they will shrink from society and its defense will rest in the hands of obnoxious jazz musicians with neither the will nor the ability to save it. Good luck toots.

Ray Nagin Reelected

2006-05-22T12:00:00.000-04:00

City built below sea level? Wetlands intentionally destroyed by coastal reconstruction? Another hurricane season bearing down on your cesspool bowl of a city? This is a job for incompetent man!

I hope you morons learned how to swim.

Incompetence as a Criminal Defense

2006-05-19T14:50:00.000-04:00

Terrorist planned to blow up an El Al (Israeli Airlines) jet in Geneva. They apparently planned to launch an RPG at a plane while it was landing or taking off. According to the Jerusalem Post, "Swiss officials reported that no arrests were made following the discovery since the plan had yet to reach its final operational stages."

Ah, I see. You have to actually kill someone in order for it to be a crime. What a novel idea for criminal law: incompetence as a defense.

A lot of morons in the United States implicitly think the same way. I recall a discussion I had with a colleague (a lawyer, in fact), who was defending Bill "I banged her" Clinton. I contended that Clinton should have done something more than compassionate nodding after the first al Qaeda attack on the World Trade Center in 1993. His response was, "Yeah, but they didn't knock the towers down." Apparently that's the Swiss standard as well: "Incompetent criminals get a free pass." How do people get so stupid?

ExpectMore, but get less

2006-05-11T13:08:00.000-04:00

Isn't this a pretty picture? There is actually a website, ExpectMore.gov, that provides the Administration's analysis of the effectiveness of its (and Congressionally mandated) programs. What a wonderful idea! It's a damn good thing that accountability is dead, otherwise some of these programs might actually be at risk.

As described on the website, programs are either "Performing" or "Not Performing." "Performing" programs are either "Effective," "Moderately Effective" or "Adequate."

"Effective" "is the highest rating a program can achieve. Programs rated Effective set ambitious goals, achieve results, are well-managed and improve efficiency." Only 15% of Federal programs are rated "Effective"! 15%! Your government, as a whole, is batting .150! Notably, one of these programs is "Administering the Public Debt." I guess "effective" is in the eye of the taxer.

The programs are analyzed under four criteria: Design (worth 20% of the total); Planning (10%); Management (20%) and Results (50%). This alone should tell you enough about your government: who cares if we can't design it, plan it or manage it, as long as we get half-assed results. (As an aside: what difference, if any, is there between design and planning?).
Judging from the Program Assessment Rating Tool file, the following conversion formula is used to go from a weighted average of each category to Effective, Moderately Effective, etc.

Category	Weighted Average Range
Effective	More than 85%
Moderately Effective	85% - 70%
Adequate	70% - 50%
Results Not Demonstrated*	Less than 50%
Ineffective*	Less than 50%

*Results Not Determined and Ineffective seem to require a mix of the weighted average and some maximum "Results" percentage. You will notice some RND's sprinkled among the Ineffectives and Adequates.

You may notice that a program can achieve nearly no results and still be deemed "Adequate" under this rating system. For example, the FBI Counterterrorism Program has a "Results" rating of 33%. (That will make you sleep well). But, because it is so well designed (100%!), planned (86%) and managed (86%), it has an overall rating of "Adequate." Of course, we can't hold our bureaucrats responsible if those pesky terrorists keep disrupting our well designed, planned and managed attempts to catch them.

Other surprisingly "Adequate" programs are Immigration and Customs Enforcement - Office of Investigations (bang up job on the borders, boys!); FEMA's Emergency Response (no kidding, "management" is rated as 100%); The Astronaut Death Trap, formerly known as the Space Shuttle (note the 86% rating for "Design"); and my personal favorite: Transportation Security Administration: Screener Training (100% for "Design" and "Planning," 86% for "Management" and a whopping 13% on "Results").

Obviously, "Adequate" programs just aren't. So rejiggering (it's a scientific term) the data, let's look at just "Effective" and "Moderately Effective" Programs. You'll note that in order to be "Effective", you need to have a "Results" rating of at least 30% (assuming you hit 100% in all other categories). Similarly, to be "Moderately Effective," you need to achieve at least 20% results.

In order to make the data a bit more practical, I have also assigned each program a general category. I did this quickly as there are nearly 800 programs analyzed, so there may be some that are mischaracterized. The categories are:

Category	Type of Program	Number of Programs
Admin	These are programs that the government runs because the government runs. Printing money, constructing federal buildings, taking the census, and administering itself.	67
Direct Subsidies	These are the worst form of waste, especially in a capitalist society. These are direct subsidies (including loans and guarantees) on otherwise commercially viable projects. Think ethanol.	70
Education	These are educational programs (including direct subsidies relating to education and unfunded mandates).	79
Environmental	Pet causes, sometimes literally. These range from the Corps of Engineer's Flood Damage Reduction ("Results Not Demonstrated") to pollution controls.	142
Foreign Affairs	The one category on this list that is reserved solely for the federal government under the Constitution. Interaction with foreign governments and people.	31
Licensing & Inspection	This is government's role in ensuring we don't die of unnatural causes and our banks do not collapse from fiscal crises.	28
Research	Direct and indirect (funded) research on all sorts. This includes things like NASA and DOE's high energy physics programs.	39
Tax & Law Enforcement	Taking our money and enforcing the laws. (As we shall see, more of the former than of the latter.)	57
War & National Security	Fairly straightforward, keeping the Hun at bay, whether at home or abroad.	102
Welfare	Programs that address the general welfare of the people. Sometimes also known as "pork." These include programs like the Pension Benefit Guaranty Corp., Administration for the Aging, medicare and government housing programs.	179

So now, the fun bit. How does the government do in each of these categories? "Not well" is an understatement:

Keep in mind, this is all based on the government's own assessment.

You will notice that the government seems to be doing surprisingly well in Research and reasonably well in exercising its war powers and administering itself. The federal government, remarkably, also seems to be fairly good at licensing and inspection. Notwithstanding all that praise, there is only one category where the goverment is "Effective" more often than not. It is surprising that this is in the area of Research. Perhaps the rocket scientists have found a way to make the bureacracy marginally competent. More likely, as a good friend points out (hat tip Sturm), this is probably because most of the research is funded indirectly and not done my government bureaucrats.

On the other side, the federal government is woefully ill-equiped to deal with Education, the Environment and the General Welfare. Hmm. I wonder if we shouldn't put something in the Constitution to reserve those powers to the individual States.

Finally, the government is shockingly bad (by its own admission, keep in mind) at collecting taxes and enforcing laws. I'm sure some moron in Congress would explain that they can't enforce the laws with so little in the treasury. My answer: stop doing shit you're not good at, not qualified for and prohibited from doing. And do we need any more evidence that subsidies just don't work? 4% Effective. 4%!!

To sum up the data, the majority of federal goverment programs are not even moderately effective. I don't know what you plan to do about it, but I'm moving to Iowa and joining a militia.

Posse Rounding Up Illegals

2006-05-11T10:51:00.000-04:00

To the right is a photo of several of the deputies of Sheriff Joe Arpaio (Maricopa County), preparing to round up illegal immigrants in Arizona. What strikes me about this is that they are all wearing masks to protect their identity.

When did it become controversial or even dangerous for local law enforcement to enforce the law? When did we, as a county, a state or a country, become so accustomed to blatant and open violations of law that the police need to wear disguises, while the rest of us expose our identity to the world?

And why is it that our government concerns itself with ridiculous subsidy and welfare programs and save the spotted owl pork projects when we can't even enforce a simple law like: don't cross our border without permission?

Tax Receipts

2006-05-10T14:18:00.000-04:00

From Yahoo! News Alerts

Wednesday, May 10, 2006, 11:00 AM PDT

WASHINGTON (AP) The Treasury Department reports that a flood of income tax payments in April pushed government receipts to the second-highest level in history.

I will wager any part of my anatomy that (1) the media will not acknowledge that tax cuts increased revenue and (2) Congress will take this as license to spend like a drunken Kennedy (but I repeat myself).

Are You Kidding?!?

2006-05-03T17:17:00.000-04:00

If anyone in the history of the world deserved to be put to death, it's this fucker.

You 12 in Virginia, what the hell were you thinking?

Pay the Man

2006-04-28T16:54:00.000-04:00

An enlistee in the U.S. military is paid $1,273.50 per month, or $15,282 per year. That's roughly $100 less per month than the Federal Poverty Guidelines for a married couple with one child ($16,600 per year).

Assuming a 40 hour work week and 52 weeks per year, this works out to $7.35/hour. That's less than or just over the minimum wage in California, Connecticut, Hawaii, New Jersey, New York, Rhode Island, Oregon and Vermont.

Assuming a more realistic working schedule of 60 hours per week (about 9 hours per day), that's only $4.90 per hour! $.25 per hour below the U.S. minimum wage of $5.15/hour.

"What the Fuck," doesn't begin to express the sentiment.

For more on the meagher benefits to compensate you from freeing the world, check here.

President Believed to Be Conservative!

2006-04-28T12:47:00.000-04:00

[Soon to not be a parody.]
Washington, April 31, 2006. The Main Stream Media has uncovered startling evidence that President Bush may, in fact, be a conservative. There have, of course, been unsubstantiated rumors regarding his political affiliation. The facts, however, have been muddled by conflicting evidence. For example, the president has maliciously and repeatedly cut taxes, a clearly conservative and hateful tactic. These tax cuts, however, have been joined with spending increases, a normal and just response. Moreover, the President has not vetoed a single spending measure.

In recent days, however, a clearer picture has emerged. MSM has learned that, while travelling with the President, the press is forced to watch the facist, unbalanced and irrational Fox News [ptooie], an ultraconservative form of Al Jazeera. As if the mere fact that the press's plane, Air Force One, receives such horribly distorted programming, is not enough evidence, the President's new press secretary, Tony Snow, once even worked for Fox News [ptooie]! This fact has apparently gone unnoticed by other media outlets.

This unbaised journalist must therefore come to the sad conclusion that the President might just be a conservative [ptooie].

This is part 1 of our 238 part exposé on the impropriety of the Whitehouse's connection with Fox News [ptooie]. Future parts will include: "Separate But Equal: Why Government and Journalism Should Never Mix," by George Stephanopolous; "Separation of Journalism and State Government," by Tim Russert; and "Serious NonPartisan Journalism," by Katie Couric.

Big Bird Plays Risk

2006-04-20T15:56:00.000-04:00

The map below is from the National Bureau of Scaring You Shitless. I couldn't help but think of the game Risk. You always won if you got Asia first.

Worldwide Reports of Bird Flu

Of course, just like Risk, this map is ridiculously disproprortionate. One sick bird in Siberia and you get all of Russia.

More on the government's pandemic plans when I have the patience to wade through it. I bet it involves duct tape.

A Peaceful Plan for Iran

2006-04-20T11:40:00.000-04:00

Trinitite

Photo credit R.Weller/Cochise College

If you don't have a degree in geology, click the picture for context.

A real fair tax system

2006-04-18T14:59:00.000-04:00

I suggest the following simple cure for the American tax problem: tie congressional pay to after-tax pay of the average worker. In fact, since they do have to talk out of both sides of their ass, let's say the median household income, net of taxes.

It's a fairly simple scheme: No congressman shall take any salary in excess of the median household income, net of taxes.

For 2004, the median household income was $44,389.
The average household tax burden was $17,467.

Therefore, under my plan, every congressman would have to live on $26,922 per year. Or cut taxes and actually stimulate the economy. This is also my plan to convert liberals into Conservatives.

France Surrenders to Itself

2006-04-12T09:51:00.000-04:00

[Not a Parody]
April 12, 2006. Paris. Jacques Chirac, man of principle, caved into protesters today and announced he would replace the new labor law with one that is as toothless and impotent as, well, France. This was the first time in the 216 year history of the French Republic that the country actually surrendered to itself. On the bright side, it is also the first time since the revolution that any Frenchman has been on the winning side of a conflict.

$60K per Day for a reading the news

2006-04-06T11:15:00.000-04:00

Katie Caustic is being paid $60,000 per day by CBS just to read a teleprompter with a concerned look on her face. $60,000 per day. That is nearly twice what the average American makes in a year.

Not only that,but little miss progressive will have paid her full social security for the year by lunch time on January 2. If she chooses to set aside the maximum amount for her 401(k), she will hit that maximum before she has her morning coffee that day. By the end of the first week, she has already made more than 90% of all Americans. For reading the friggin' news. (I use "news" here to mean, of course, the liberal propaganda that passes for such at CBS.)

Now, I'm not against anyone earning a lot of money, but I am against hypocrites telling me what I should do with my money, trying to raise my taxes and then hopping in their limos for the ride all the way back to Park Avenue and 92nd street.

Let's hope little katie can find a way, any way, to use all of her fortune and fame to finally do, what Dan Rather couldn't: find an IBM Selectric typewriter that uses superscript.

Think Rationally, Act Normally.

2006-04-05T14:30:00.000-04:00

Global warming is a fact. Sure it is. According to the most eco-deranged estimates, the Earth has warmed under .5 degrees Celsius over the past two decades. That means, by the time you're dead it will be unnoticeably warmer than when you were born. April 30th will feel vaguely like May 3. Poor baby.

The polar ice caps are melting at about an inch a year--yes, it's true. That means that by the time you're dead, we will have lost about 5 feet of ice in a place so inhospitable, that penguins can't even live there year-round. Again, for the penguins, this means April 30th will feel like April 27 (south pole, different seasons).

This could cause worldwide sea level to increase at about 1/2 an inch per decade. This means that, by the time you're dead, the high-tide stains on your favorite pier will be two fingers higher. Egad!

The more important and oft ignored question, however, is how long has this been going on? 10,000 years. Temperatures have been rising, ice caps have been melting and sea levels have been rising for 10,000 years. I'm not terribly well read when it comes to pre-Egyptian society, but I find it very hard to believe that Mesopotamians were cruising around in SUVs and using AquaNet.

To blame global warming, which, by definition naturally occurs between ice ages, on human activity is the height of hubris. Much like a mosquito with an erection, floating down the river shouting "raise the drawbridge!" As a more concrete example, one of the people I work with looked out the window today, saw snow and said "global warming, I guess," and then proceeded to blame George Bush. How do you even begin to correct someone like that?

I'm sure that now that Katie Couric is at the anchor desk, all of this confusion will be cleared up. Hard facts and objective reporting--that's what I'm looking forward to. I'm sure she, and the mainstream media will have this all sorted out by the time April 30th feels like May 15.

Katie Moves to CBS

2006-04-05T10:18:00.000-04:00

Katie Couric moves to CBS. I guess the C no longer stands for "Columbia." I'll leave it to you to decide what it stands for now.

Let Us Eat Cake

2006-04-04T16:54:00.000-04:00

French students and other unemployables are striking, protesting and rioting again. For a people that have not (successfully) defended their freedom since they were ruled by a short man in a tri-corner hat, they do love to protest. This time, it's over the right to fire incompetent employees. The rioters are obviously against it.

To understand what the issues were, I thought I'd take a quick look at French employment law. Among the provisions written into every French employment contract are:

Minimum wage of about $10/hour;
Minimum of 5 weeks of paid vacation every year;
Minimum of 10 holidays/personal days per year;
Guaranteed severance pay;
Anything over 35 hours/week is overtime;
Minimum overtime wage of 10-50% over base pay depending on whether you're in hour 36 or 44 of a week;
For every hour of any week an employee works over 41 hours, they get 1/2 an hour of paid leave.
Even then, employees cannot work more than an average of 39 hours per week unless they agree to do so in a collective bargaining agreement;
Employer pays up to 40% of gross pay for mandatory healthcare and pension;
Every company, even small businesses, are required to have some form of representation, a de facto union, even if there are less than 20 employees;
This representative (a committee in companies of 50 or more) must be consulted before any change may be made to the business or the working conditions;
If you need to fire someone or layoff even 1 person, you need to follow statutory procedures; and
If you need to layoff 10 or more, you need to file a "job preservation plan" with the government and your de facto labor union, explaining what you did to try to avoid the layoffs.

Keep in mind, this is not for government workers. This is everybody. (That reminds me, what's the difference between a U.S. government employee and a French private company employee? Hygiene. Just kidding, there is no difference.) The college kid who works in a bookstore for the summer gets these benefits. The mildly retarded kid who works at Le BlouqueBustierre gets 5 weeks of paid vacation and 10 additional days off. That's 7 weeks you are paying someone NOT to work.

It's no wonder that the French businessmen are anxious to change the law. When you create such a huge disincentive to hire employees, no one gets hired. The economy stagnates and depression, economic and emotional, sets in. Hell, you might as well have elected Jimmy Carter president.

It also makes me wonder how dysfunctional the French educational system is that its student-rioters cannot even do this simple math. Or maybe, they just can't see past their prominent, up-turned noses.

FOXNEWS O'REILLY	2,219,000
CNN BIN LADEN	2,164,000
FNC HANNITY/COLMES	1,815,000
FNC GRETA	1,631,000
FNC BRIT HUME	1,329,000
FNC SHEP SMITH	1,302,000
CNN COOPER	1,185,000
CNN LARRY KING	787,000
CNN LOU DOBBS	723,000
CNNHN NANCY GRACE	674,000
CNN BLITZER	613,000
MSNBC OLBERMANN	440,000
MSNBC HARDBALL	385,000
MSNBC SCARBOROUGH	371,000